I am barely holding on..

It is like I am made up of all these pieces of fabric that are loosely stitched together & there is a piece of thread holding me together in the middle. And that piece of thread is him, Dwight, the love of my life, my one & only.. It is like I feel like everything is falling apart but yet there he is holding it all together. Whether he knows it or not.. There is this little voice in my head that hasn't left in the past two weeks and that voice.. oh, it says some nasty things.. it is like my thoughts literally scare me. My anxiety has gotten so bad that whenever I am alone, I feel as if I am going to break down at any moment. And with my mom being in the hospital, it is not helping me much. But there he is again, making me feel better. That is why I honestly believe that he is my sole reason for my happiness, my existence.. Everyone tells me that my mom is going to be okay but oh how I hate to see her like this.. That is really why I hate going to visit her, not because I am "bored" but because on the inside it kills me to see my mom lying in that hospital bed. Then, when I am with her alone it is too much for me to bear. Tonight as soon as I got to the hospital she told me to give her a hug and that she loved me so much only to proceed with "I don't know how much longer I am going to be here." .. I know she is just saying that but it scared the absolute shit out of me. What if something goes wrong with one of the surgeries? I cannot imagine my life without my mom right now. It is like she is more than a parent, she is my sister, my best friend. I tell her just about everything and everytime I need comfort.. there she is. This is getting all jumbled. My thoughts are everywhere........

I have been so emotional lately, it is crazy. Tonight my boyfriend thought I was mad at him over something so silly but I just wish he'd understand that right now I need him more than anything.. I wasn't upset at the fact that he wasn't going to be spending the night at the hospital with me, I was upset because I knew I would have to face this alone. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. And here I am: crying with my thoughts all over the place.

Geeeez. I love him with all of my heart though. He honestly makes everything better, like I said previously whether he knows it or not. He may not know how much of an impact he has on my life but maybe he'll stumble upon this post today or tomorrow or so.. and if you do, Dwight, just know that I am soooo thankful for you. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so happy to have you, especially now. The fact that you are as concerned for my mom makes me soooo happy because I love the fact that you love her and that she loves you. I wish you were here right now but I will have you allll weekend, right? I cannot wait :*

I am watching TV Land at the moment aaaand now I am thinking about my grandpa. Ohlawd. I am a wreck.

Whenever I wake up everything will be okay and once I see my baby I know I will be alright again.

Byes :3

**I know this blog was crazy. I apologize.

Selfish.

I always blog about my boyfriend/friends/school/life .. But I rarely blog about my family and if I do, it's normally not good things. Yesterday around 3 in the morning, I got a message informing me that my mom and uncle had gotten into a wreck and were in the hospital. Ok. The tears instantly started to form and worry filled my body, I didn't know what happened or the severity of their injuries. Well, after I asked a lot of questions I found out that they were okay besides my mom had a few minor injuries BUT that still didn't calm me down. All I could think about was what if things had happened differently? What if I would have lost one or both of them? It was too much for me to bear so I just pushed those thoughts aside. Basically: until yesterday I didn't know just how much I cared for my family & how I don't want to lose them. I think that was idk if the word is selfish but whatever the word, it shouldn't have taken me until now to figure that out.

Another train of thought: I really do miss the old people in my life, I have a lot of people I say "oh, that was my best friend." & that reaaaaalllllyyyy makes me sad. I'm not complaining about the people I have in my life now, I just wish I had them with the addition of a few people from my past. It is like no matter how mad I was at them, the memories of all the fun times we had together triumphs that anger.

Yesterday, my secret Santa gave me mustache earrings !!! Oh my gosh, I am so happy. I was told I had the best reaction to my present :3 I finished my AP English exam in one day when it's suppose to be a two day exam so I'm kind of scared as to how well I actually did.

I realized that it is as if I'm trying to squeeze into a spot that wasn't made for me.. Okay, let me explain because that statement was very vague. Everyone expects me to do amazingly well in life.. Go off to an university, finish my undergrad then go to a graduate school.. But what if I don't want that anymore? What if I told them I just wanted to become a teacher? Or not go to college at all? They wouldn't approve of that. Not saying I don't want to go on the path, they've pre-routed for me it's just I feel like maybe I won't fit.. Then what?

Jealousy,

it is one of those things that can either break a relationship or strengthen it... I say that because in a relationship, it is cute to exhibit some sort of jealous tendencies because it shows that they care about you but then again if they are too jealous then it'll make you not want to be with them anymore. The whole purpose of this post is because yesterday someone texted me informing me of "what my boyfriend is doing" and how "he isn't claiming me or our relationship". PAUSE. First of all, it says everywhere that me and Dwight are dating and he is always with me.. I don't understand how he would be able to go cheat on me and stuff... But like because I trust him sooo much I didn't even get upset, I laughed it off because to me it is funny.. Like quite hilarious that in every, single relationship I am ever in I always end up having at least someone trying to ruin it. But anywho, my thoughts are jumbled. I really did have a point with that whole jealousy thing though.. I just don't know where I was going with it.

I don't really know what else to blog.. Blah.

Tomorrow is the yearbook Christmas party and I know it isn't going to compare to last year's. It is like last year was amazing and this year everyone is so......... idk. Maybe it is just me. Because I do not 'mingle' with everyone but that is only because everyone already clique'd up like the first day.

I have work tonight and I much rather go home and study and spend time with my boyfriend.

I am going to take a thirty minute nap, k.

Byes :3

"D is for Pac-Man"

Today, I had a really amazing time in AP Government and we basically planned out our lives, hehe. I decided that Dwight and I were going to adopt three children: one from China, one from Africa, and one from America and their names are going to be, Xoe Cheyenne, Jace Montrail, and Skye-Leyah Taylor. EEEEK. I know I'm silly for thinking this far into the future but I mean I might as well, right?

I came home in the greatest of moods because I honestly had a great day, nothing happened that was too major and I was mostly smiling the whole day.. But that happiness wasn't shared when I got home. But oh well...

I decided I am going to start Christmas shopping this weekend, I cannot wait :P I hope everyone likes my presents that I buy them if they don't then oh well they are still going to pretend to like them and that's good enough for me, lol.

It's crazy how when you're alone, the thoughts that you try to forget began to surface. I am currently sitting on my bed, in a dark room. I am trying to maintain "happiness" by listening to music and I started this blog to get my mind off of things but for some reason I just cannot be happy. It is like I love to cry or something. If I'm not crying then something is not right.. At least that is how it is starting to feel....

My mind is a big jumble right now so bear with me.

I think the whole "I love you more" game is cute but in honesty I believe with all of my heart I love my boyfriend more than he loves me. Not saying that in a negative way but it is just in my eyes, obvious that I care for him more.. In everything we do. Maybe I just show my feelings more than he does but either way I feel like I'm more in this than he is. This is starting to sound horrible and that is not my intention. I just mean I honestly, 100% love him. There is no doubt in my head, heart, or anything on whether or not I love him. It is like I just know it. It is like those soulmates that you read about in books and you always hope to find him but you are never quite sure when you will and then you end up thinking you are going to be that one person lonely and without anyone until they are like 40.. But I am 17 and I feel like I've found my soulmate.

But right now he is in the other room. Without me. And it is like I hope that he'll just come in here and sit down with me and ask me if anything is wrong. But I know he won't. But that is just how he is, there is nothing wrong with it. I just hope he cares about me as much as he says he does. After the events that have happened this year, I don't want to lose anyone else...

I feel like if I told him right now that it was over, he wouldn't fight for me and honestly I am terrified of that. Not saying I would ever say that to him but my whole point is that I just hope in the end, he is willing to fight for me.

He jokingly referenced my ex-boyfriend as my "boy toy" and whether he knows it or not but it upset me. Not going to lie and make it seem as if it didn't affect me. I don't have feelings for any other guy, I am filled with disgust when guys try to talk to me or when my ex's try to walk with me or "flirt" with me. I don't want them. I don't want anyone else. And for him to just say that with the most nonchalant manner, hurt me. I know he didn't mean any harm by it.. But it hurt.

I am still sitting here, hoping...

Byes :3

My day started off horribly..

My day really began at 2 in the morning, when I woke up in tears but I was comforted by my lovely boyfriend and a few hours later went back to bed. I then left my house early to get some breakfast ONLY to go to McDonald's and the line being too long, Wendy's and them being out of biscuits, and the gas station for them to be out of sausage biscuits....

Then, I finally made it to school and I now I have an immense headache which is probably due to all of the crying I did.

Yesterday, I found out some horrible news. Well, the whole school found out some horrible news. Anyone that reads my blog I'm pretty sure knows what I am talking about. But to me death is a funny thing. It's one of those things that I am just not able to grasp no matter how much I try. I just can't wrap my head around it. How is it that one day someone is there and the next they are forever gone? That cannot be true. I know that the memory of Walmsley will live on forever. Everything I do will be a reminder of just how amazing she was and the impact she had on my life. Even though she was just a teacher at Gautier High School, she was the bloodline of the school. She impacted so many students and developed an indescribable bond with each of her students. I really did not expect to lose her. I always thought of her as someone I will have in my life for many, many years.. Gossiping about everyone and everything and sharing my college experience while she complains about the students she has to deal with. I am getting emotional again so I'm going to stop talking about this.

This year has been a difficult year for me, emotionally and physically. 2011 will forever be taunted by so many memories, good and bad. But in all they are all just stepping stones and life lessons. I have grown into such a wonderful woman from this year. I have learned how to deal with situations I never thought I'd come across at such a young age but I didn't burn from it, just learned from it.

The break bell is going to ring soon and I am craving cookies. Buh-byes :3

Untitled

I started this blog last Friday morning while standing in the middle of Fred's, thinking of him.. I had the intention of a really cute, sweet post but instead by the time I got back to this I have an entirely different topic to blog about.. The conversation of love came up in my AP Government class and not the question of what is love but more of the existence of love. The arguments were that the word love is used as a mere excuse to do things otherwise unacceptable unless you are in love such as: have sex, have kids, etc.. Which is a valid argument but to me love is more than an excuse, it's that undescribable feeling that one gets.. It's the feeling you get when you go off somewhere and return and see your significant other. It's the butterflies you get and the smile that you can't wipe off your face. To me love is not an excuse, love is a reason. Love is the reason I am so happy. Love is the reason I am willing to commit to someone at the age of 17 for the rest of my life. Love is the reason for my existence because love is the fuel I need to get me by.

I am in love with my boyfriend, Dwight, and I would blog this really cute post but it isn't necessary. I do not need to show off and boast about my boyfriend and how he is better than anyone else. Because he just is. No words needed.

Byes :3