I haven't been on here in awhile.

Nobody is here to read this which is something that I'm thankful for. I need this time to just vent and let out all of these built up emotions.

My life is slowly falling apart. I'm not exaggerating when I say this either. I have been complaining for a few weeks now because I do not have a job but it has really hit me that I do not have a job. If I do not find one soon then not only will I suffer but my family will as well. It will be on my shoulders not anybody else's because I quit my job. That was MY choice. And I have to live with it. I wish I could just go away for a few weeks, just sneak away and upon my return my life will be back to normal. It'd be amazing if it worked like that.

And what's worse is that I'm suffering through this all alone. It'd be much better if I had someone to help me through it but I don't. I'm so emotional right now and all I want to do is cry, cry, and cry some more.

I just hope it gets easier.

I see the man of my dreams..

I see the man of my dreams everytime I look at Dwight Montrail Duckworth. I see the man I've always wanted as child and I see the man I will always need as an adult. I see my boyfriend but not only that, I see my soulmate. I see the reason for my smiles and the hand to wipe my tears. I see the arms to hold me tight and the lips to kiss mine. I hear the anger in his voice but yet I know the aching in his heart... That is why these arguments are not phasing me as much as they should. I cry but not because I am unhappy and want things to end.. I cry because I just want you to understand; that the little petty things shouldn't matter to you and I because in the end our hearts will never divide. You are mine forever and I am also yours so baby please stop acting as if you're going to walk out that door.. I know with time things will be better, whether a few minutes or an hour like I said they will get better.. On our way home today, I stared at you for awhile and I sat there and hoped that I'll see your smile.. You have a beautiful smile, by the way, and that's the smile I don't want to ever fade.. You are the one that I see in my life for forever and a day, or forever and two days in your case... lol. I sometimes sit there and think, "man is this forreal or is this a dream?" because I still cannot wrap my finger around the fact that you are mine forever and that's that.. I hope that you see this somehow and when you do I hope it makes you smile..

I love you baby, with all my heart.. and nothing will ever tear us apart.

07.10.2011-forever+a day <3

It is 9:17 AM

and I am sitting in the library.. as usual. I left my house in a happy mood, not too happy to be going to school but overall I was happy.. Yet, as soon as I stepped foot onto Gautier High School's campus I instantly became sad. I do not know why. I have been sooo emotional lately and my poor boyfriend has had to suffer. But I am honestly ready for high school to end not because of school itself but in all actuality I believe that this environment is depressing me. The people here are eh, in general: messy. I cannot trust anyone. I do not try to befriend anyone. Maybe that is why I do not have any friends, lol. I witnessed someone going from one block calling someone else a bitch and declaring they hate them to the next block hugging all on them and acting as if they were the greatest of friends. I can admit I have been nice to people I am not friends with but not to the extent where they will confuse my kindness for friendship.

A side note to my statement of "my poor boyfriend has had to suffer".. Dwight, if you are reading this then I am 100%, truly sorry for the way I have been behaving lately. I know the past few days have been a roller coaster with me and I do not know why I am this way but I am going to try to control it. I do not want to risk you getting mad at me or us getting into an argument because of me being moody, that'll be stupid. So, I am sorry and I do hope that I am able to control it.. I love you with all of my heart baby :*

Okay, back to this, I just got finished designing my senior ad and hmmm.. I like it. It is quite plain but I am not that exciting of a person. I need to take a picture with my moustache bandanna though, it'll complete my ad :) My back is currently killing me. I could be using this time to fill out applications. But I am lazy. I have no motivation anymore--mainly because I am lazy--.. and I am going to end this blog, too.. Because.. I am lazy.

..being lazy should be a disease and there should be a cure for it .___.

xx

VII.X.XI.

My life is falling apart..

Did I use that title already? Oh well. It is crazy reflecting back over the years.. Crazy because I have honestly lost every aspect of my past.. Myself, friendships, "best friends", my old life.. Which is a good thing, right? Shed the old skin and start off new. That works for me. I am fine with that but now I am so vulnerable and so sensitive and so emotional and so much more.. I am not use to being the person without friends. The girl with zero text messages all day. The one who knows if she isn't hanging out with her boyfriend then she will be doing absolutely nothing.. I am not use to that..and frankly, it hurts like hell. I have been trying to stay strong and act like I do not care.. But I do. I care a lot. A lot more than I probably should.. I am not saying I am not happy with my life as it is now, I am just not use to it.. That is all. I love the fact that my boyfriend is not only just that but my best friend as well. I love that in all essence, he is the only person I need in my life. Yet, what if he can't always be there.. then what? Who am I left with? Nobody.. I am sure nobody can relate to this. At all. Just imagine a day where if your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't talk to you, you would get no texts, no mentions, nothing.. You can't huh? Because everyone has someone.. and I don't.

Like I said already, I do not mind the fact that I only have my boyfriend.. because in the long run he is always going to be here for me. But what do I do when I am lying in a dark room, crying my eyes out? Who do I turn to? Where is that friend that is suppose to comfort me? I don't have them. This blog is making absolutely no sense. I do apologize.

I am probably going to anger Dwight with this post.. but it is like he wants me all to himself & now he has me.. now what? I am emotional and we argue all the time. Not exactly what I am sure he was looking for.

"I don't want to be alone." That statement describes perfectly the whole drama of my night. I do not want to be alone. I am so afraid that at a young age, I am going to be forced to be alone. I do not want that. I fear that. Yet, I am constantly finding myself alone..

This blog is all over the place. I am not even sure if it all makes sense. I tried to stick to the point. This night has consisted of a lot of tears. A lot of music. Tons of quotes. And a tremendous amount of thinking.. I have thought about a lot. Mainly about my relationship. Like you all know, I want to be with my boyfriend for forever. Okay. I have stressed that enough.

.. I am going to just end this blog. Basically: I have nobody but my boyfriend. Right now I am feeling quite alone.

January 10, 2012.

I haven't blogged in awhile and for that I apologize. I am saying that like I have a lot of readers or something, haha. Anyways: a lot has happened well not really but there are a few things I have to blog about.

I realized that I miss someone way more than I thought I would. Like, I really hope that soon we can have our friendship again.. Because I miss the hell out of it. It is like having a family member that you absolutely cannot stand but without them you just do not feel complete.. That is kind of how it is with me and this person. I have said some horrid things about them and I am sure the favor was returned but when it comes down to it, we had some amazing memories together that will forever cherish.

Today makes six months, eeek. I know it's only half a year but geez it's that much closer to being a year ^___^ I have found the love of my life and I never want to let him go, like forreal. Whenever I think about the future, I automatically see him in it. It is like I know we are going to be together for forever. I know that life probably has two separate paths for us but I am willing to make sure that they still meet.. Because I do not want to spend my life without him. It is honestly crazy that I have found someone I want to be with at the age of 17. But when you know it's real, you just know it. There is no way to explain it but if you've been in this situation then you know what I am talking about.

I am suppose to be revising my essay for Mrs. Blackwell. Oh.

I don't feel like it so I will just turn it in tomorrow. Blah. I am such a horrible student.

Speaking of horrible: I made a freaking SIXTY on a quiz. I have never done that horrible.. Unless it was Calculus. I wanted to cry but I took that grade like a man, hehe.

I have not felt well for the past two days and it is kind of pissing me off. Like I can never just be fine. Something always has to be wrong with me.

I want to nap. So, I think I might just do that...

This blog was horrible. And I don't know why I keep putting spaces in-between everything, oh well. Byes :3

7.10.11-forever ♥

I am barely holding on..

It is like I am made up of all these pieces of fabric that are loosely stitched together & there is a piece of thread holding me together in the middle. And that piece of thread is him, Dwight, the love of my life, my one & only.. It is like I feel like everything is falling apart but yet there he is holding it all together. Whether he knows it or not.. There is this little voice in my head that hasn't left in the past two weeks and that voice.. oh, it says some nasty things.. it is like my thoughts literally scare me. My anxiety has gotten so bad that whenever I am alone, I feel as if I am going to break down at any moment. And with my mom being in the hospital, it is not helping me much. But there he is again, making me feel better. That is why I honestly believe that he is my sole reason for my happiness, my existence.. Everyone tells me that my mom is going to be okay but oh how I hate to see her like this.. That is really why I hate going to visit her, not because I am "bored" but because on the inside it kills me to see my mom lying in that hospital bed. Then, when I am with her alone it is too much for me to bear. Tonight as soon as I got to the hospital she told me to give her a hug and that she loved me so much only to proceed with "I don't know how much longer I am going to be here." .. I know she is just saying that but it scared the absolute shit out of me. What if something goes wrong with one of the surgeries? I cannot imagine my life without my mom right now. It is like she is more than a parent, she is my sister, my best friend. I tell her just about everything and everytime I need comfort.. there she is. This is getting all jumbled. My thoughts are everywhere........

I have been so emotional lately, it is crazy. Tonight my boyfriend thought I was mad at him over something so silly but I just wish he'd understand that right now I need him more than anything.. I wasn't upset at the fact that he wasn't going to be spending the night at the hospital with me, I was upset because I knew I would have to face this alone. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. And here I am: crying with my thoughts all over the place.

Geeeez. I love him with all of my heart though. He honestly makes everything better, like I said previously whether he knows it or not. He may not know how much of an impact he has on my life but maybe he'll stumble upon this post today or tomorrow or so.. and if you do, Dwight, just know that I am soooo thankful for you. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so happy to have you, especially now. The fact that you are as concerned for my mom makes me soooo happy because I love the fact that you love her and that she loves you. I wish you were here right now but I will have you allll weekend, right? I cannot wait :*

I am watching TV Land at the moment aaaand now I am thinking about my grandpa. Ohlawd. I am a wreck.

Whenever I wake up everything will be okay and once I see my baby I know I will be alright again.

Byes :3

**I know this blog was crazy. I apologize.

Selfish.

I always blog about my boyfriend/friends/school/life .. But I rarely blog about my family and if I do, it's normally not good things. Yesterday around 3 in the morning, I got a message informing me that my mom and uncle had gotten into a wreck and were in the hospital. Ok. The tears instantly started to form and worry filled my body, I didn't know what happened or the severity of their injuries. Well, after I asked a lot of questions I found out that they were okay besides my mom had a few minor injuries BUT that still didn't calm me down. All I could think about was what if things had happened differently? What if I would have lost one or both of them? It was too much for me to bear so I just pushed those thoughts aside. Basically: until yesterday I didn't know just how much I cared for my family & how I don't want to lose them. I think that was idk if the word is selfish but whatever the word, it shouldn't have taken me until now to figure that out.

Another train of thought: I really do miss the old people in my life, I have a lot of people I say "oh, that was my best friend." & that reaaaaalllllyyyy makes me sad. I'm not complaining about the people I have in my life now, I just wish I had them with the addition of a few people from my past. It is like no matter how mad I was at them, the memories of all the fun times we had together triumphs that anger.

Yesterday, my secret Santa gave me mustache earrings !!! Oh my gosh, I am so happy. I was told I had the best reaction to my present :3 I finished my AP English exam in one day when it's suppose to be a two day exam so I'm kind of scared as to how well I actually did.

I realized that it is as if I'm trying to squeeze into a spot that wasn't made for me.. Okay, let me explain because that statement was very vague. Everyone expects me to do amazingly well in life.. Go off to an university, finish my undergrad then go to a graduate school.. But what if I don't want that anymore? What if I told them I just wanted to become a teacher? Or not go to college at all? They wouldn't approve of that. Not saying I don't want to go on the path, they've pre-routed for me it's just I feel like maybe I won't fit.. Then what?