I am barely holding on..

It is like I am made up of all these pieces of fabric that are loosely stitched together & there is a piece of thread holding me together in the middle. And that piece of thread is him, Dwight, the love of my life, my one & only.. It is like I feel like everything is falling apart but yet there he is holding it all together. Whether he knows it or not.. There is this little voice in my head that hasn't left in the past two weeks and that voice.. oh, it says some nasty things.. it is like my thoughts literally scare me. My anxiety has gotten so bad that whenever I am alone, I feel as if I am going to break down at any moment. And with my mom being in the hospital, it is not helping me much. But there he is again, making me feel better. That is why I honestly believe that he is my sole reason for my happiness, my existence.. Everyone tells me that my mom is going to be okay but oh how I hate to see her like this.. That is really why I hate going to visit her, not because I am "bored" but because on the inside it kills me to see my mom lying in that hospital bed. Then, when I am with her alone it is too much for me to bear. Tonight as soon as I got to the hospital she told me to give her a hug and that she loved me so much only to proceed with "I don't know how much longer I am going to be here." .. I know she is just saying that but it scared the absolute shit out of me. What if something goes wrong with one of the surgeries? I cannot imagine my life without my mom right now. It is like she is more than a parent, she is my sister, my best friend. I tell her just about everything and everytime I need comfort.. there she is. This is getting all jumbled. My thoughts are everywhere........

I have been so emotional lately, it is crazy. Tonight my boyfriend thought I was mad at him over something so silly but I just wish he'd understand that right now I need him more than anything.. I wasn't upset at the fact that he wasn't going to be spending the night at the hospital with me, I was upset because I knew I would have to face this alone. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. And here I am: crying with my thoughts all over the place.

Geeeez. I love him with all of my heart though. He honestly makes everything better, like I said previously whether he knows it or not. He may not know how much of an impact he has on my life but maybe he'll stumble upon this post today or tomorrow or so.. and if you do, Dwight, just know that I am soooo thankful for you. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so happy to have you, especially now. The fact that you are as concerned for my mom makes me soooo happy because I love the fact that you love her and that she loves you. I wish you were here right now but I will have you allll weekend, right? I cannot wait :*

I am watching TV Land at the moment aaaand now I am thinking about my grandpa. Ohlawd. I am a wreck.

Whenever I wake up everything will be okay and once I see my baby I know I will be alright again.

Byes :3

**I know this blog was crazy. I apologize.

Selfish.

I always blog about my boyfriend/friends/school/life .. But I rarely blog about my family and if I do, it's normally not good things. Yesterday around 3 in the morning, I got a message informing me that my mom and uncle had gotten into a wreck and were in the hospital. Ok. The tears instantly started to form and worry filled my body, I didn't know what happened or the severity of their injuries. Well, after I asked a lot of questions I found out that they were okay besides my mom had a few minor injuries BUT that still didn't calm me down. All I could think about was what if things had happened differently? What if I would have lost one or both of them? It was too much for me to bear so I just pushed those thoughts aside. Basically: until yesterday I didn't know just how much I cared for my family & how I don't want to lose them. I think that was idk if the word is selfish but whatever the word, it shouldn't have taken me until now to figure that out.

Another train of thought: I really do miss the old people in my life, I have a lot of people I say "oh, that was my best friend." & that reaaaaalllllyyyy makes me sad. I'm not complaining about the people I have in my life now, I just wish I had them with the addition of a few people from my past. It is like no matter how mad I was at them, the memories of all the fun times we had together triumphs that anger.

Yesterday, my secret Santa gave me mustache earrings !!! Oh my gosh, I am so happy. I was told I had the best reaction to my present :3 I finished my AP English exam in one day when it's suppose to be a two day exam so I'm kind of scared as to how well I actually did.

I realized that it is as if I'm trying to squeeze into a spot that wasn't made for me.. Okay, let me explain because that statement was very vague. Everyone expects me to do amazingly well in life.. Go off to an university, finish my undergrad then go to a graduate school.. But what if I don't want that anymore? What if I told them I just wanted to become a teacher? Or not go to college at all? They wouldn't approve of that. Not saying I don't want to go on the path, they've pre-routed for me it's just I feel like maybe I won't fit.. Then what?

Jealousy,

it is one of those things that can either break a relationship or strengthen it... I say that because in a relationship, it is cute to exhibit some sort of jealous tendencies because it shows that they care about you but then again if they are too jealous then it'll make you not want to be with them anymore. The whole purpose of this post is because yesterday someone texted me informing me of "what my boyfriend is doing" and how "he isn't claiming me or our relationship". PAUSE. First of all, it says everywhere that me and Dwight are dating and he is always with me.. I don't understand how he would be able to go cheat on me and stuff... But like because I trust him sooo much I didn't even get upset, I laughed it off because to me it is funny.. Like quite hilarious that in every, single relationship I am ever in I always end up having at least someone trying to ruin it. But anywho, my thoughts are jumbled. I really did have a point with that whole jealousy thing though.. I just don't know where I was going with it.

I don't really know what else to blog.. Blah.

Tomorrow is the yearbook Christmas party and I know it isn't going to compare to last year's. It is like last year was amazing and this year everyone is so......... idk. Maybe it is just me. Because I do not 'mingle' with everyone but that is only because everyone already clique'd up like the first day.

I have work tonight and I much rather go home and study and spend time with my boyfriend.

I am going to take a thirty minute nap, k.

Byes :3

"D is for Pac-Man"

Today, I had a really amazing time in AP Government and we basically planned out our lives, hehe. I decided that Dwight and I were going to adopt three children: one from China, one from Africa, and one from America and their names are going to be, Xoe Cheyenne, Jace Montrail, and Skye-Leyah Taylor. EEEEK. I know I'm silly for thinking this far into the future but I mean I might as well, right?

I came home in the greatest of moods because I honestly had a great day, nothing happened that was too major and I was mostly smiling the whole day.. But that happiness wasn't shared when I got home. But oh well...

I decided I am going to start Christmas shopping this weekend, I cannot wait :P I hope everyone likes my presents that I buy them if they don't then oh well they are still going to pretend to like them and that's good enough for me, lol.

It's crazy how when you're alone, the thoughts that you try to forget began to surface. I am currently sitting on my bed, in a dark room. I am trying to maintain "happiness" by listening to music and I started this blog to get my mind off of things but for some reason I just cannot be happy. It is like I love to cry or something. If I'm not crying then something is not right.. At least that is how it is starting to feel....

My mind is a big jumble right now so bear with me.

I think the whole "I love you more" game is cute but in honesty I believe with all of my heart I love my boyfriend more than he loves me. Not saying that in a negative way but it is just in my eyes, obvious that I care for him more.. In everything we do. Maybe I just show my feelings more than he does but either way I feel like I'm more in this than he is. This is starting to sound horrible and that is not my intention. I just mean I honestly, 100% love him. There is no doubt in my head, heart, or anything on whether or not I love him. It is like I just know it. It is like those soulmates that you read about in books and you always hope to find him but you are never quite sure when you will and then you end up thinking you are going to be that one person lonely and without anyone until they are like 40.. But I am 17 and I feel like I've found my soulmate.

But right now he is in the other room. Without me. And it is like I hope that he'll just come in here and sit down with me and ask me if anything is wrong. But I know he won't. But that is just how he is, there is nothing wrong with it. I just hope he cares about me as much as he says he does. After the events that have happened this year, I don't want to lose anyone else...

I feel like if I told him right now that it was over, he wouldn't fight for me and honestly I am terrified of that. Not saying I would ever say that to him but my whole point is that I just hope in the end, he is willing to fight for me.

He jokingly referenced my ex-boyfriend as my "boy toy" and whether he knows it or not but it upset me. Not going to lie and make it seem as if it didn't affect me. I don't have feelings for any other guy, I am filled with disgust when guys try to talk to me or when my ex's try to walk with me or "flirt" with me. I don't want them. I don't want anyone else. And for him to just say that with the most nonchalant manner, hurt me. I know he didn't mean any harm by it.. But it hurt.

I am still sitting here, hoping...

Byes :3

My day started off horribly..

My day really began at 2 in the morning, when I woke up in tears but I was comforted by my lovely boyfriend and a few hours later went back to bed. I then left my house early to get some breakfast ONLY to go to McDonald's and the line being too long, Wendy's and them being out of biscuits, and the gas station for them to be out of sausage biscuits....

Then, I finally made it to school and I now I have an immense headache which is probably due to all of the crying I did.

Yesterday, I found out some horrible news. Well, the whole school found out some horrible news. Anyone that reads my blog I'm pretty sure knows what I am talking about. But to me death is a funny thing. It's one of those things that I am just not able to grasp no matter how much I try. I just can't wrap my head around it. How is it that one day someone is there and the next they are forever gone? That cannot be true. I know that the memory of Walmsley will live on forever. Everything I do will be a reminder of just how amazing she was and the impact she had on my life. Even though she was just a teacher at Gautier High School, she was the bloodline of the school. She impacted so many students and developed an indescribable bond with each of her students. I really did not expect to lose her. I always thought of her as someone I will have in my life for many, many years.. Gossiping about everyone and everything and sharing my college experience while she complains about the students she has to deal with. I am getting emotional again so I'm going to stop talking about this.

This year has been a difficult year for me, emotionally and physically. 2011 will forever be taunted by so many memories, good and bad. But in all they are all just stepping stones and life lessons. I have grown into such a wonderful woman from this year. I have learned how to deal with situations I never thought I'd come across at such a young age but I didn't burn from it, just learned from it.

The break bell is going to ring soon and I am craving cookies. Buh-byes :3

Untitled

I started this blog last Friday morning while standing in the middle of Fred's, thinking of him.. I had the intention of a really cute, sweet post but instead by the time I got back to this I have an entirely different topic to blog about.. The conversation of love came up in my AP Government class and not the question of what is love but more of the existence of love. The arguments were that the word love is used as a mere excuse to do things otherwise unacceptable unless you are in love such as: have sex, have kids, etc.. Which is a valid argument but to me love is more than an excuse, it's that undescribable feeling that one gets.. It's the feeling you get when you go off somewhere and return and see your significant other. It's the butterflies you get and the smile that you can't wipe off your face. To me love is not an excuse, love is a reason. Love is the reason I am so happy. Love is the reason I am willing to commit to someone at the age of 17 for the rest of my life. Love is the reason for my existence because love is the fuel I need to get me by.

I am in love with my boyfriend, Dwight, and I would blog this really cute post but it isn't necessary. I do not need to show off and boast about my boyfriend and how he is better than anyone else. Because he just is. No words needed.

Byes :3

Confused.

I want to blog but I am scared of how it may come out so I am just going to say that I have decided on what school I am definitely going to and I just hope that I can stick to my whole plan of double majoring and hopefully stay in the RC or get the Luckyday scholarship.. hopefully.

I have a major decision to make and I don't know if I am going to be able to make it. It is going to have a huge impact if I do though.

I am too moody and in so much pain that I don't think I can write this blog right now. I really wanted to blog though. I had a whole topic to blog about and everything.. oh well.

Bye.

This was never my intention, I promise.

I am sorry for any hurt I have caused you... it was not my intention.

I regret what happened. I wish I could blog more in detail but just know I am full of regret. I always said I would regret nothing but oh I do regret this.. I feel like I hurt the one person who means the most to me.. and the fact that we aren't talking right now hurts sooo bad, honestly.

Anywho: I am determined to have Wuthering Heights finished today. Yuhh.

I love you.

My reason to smile.

If I pushed you away, the way you push me away.. Would you still have a lot of reasons to stay?

I don't know where I am going with this post but I am just a jumble of emotions right now.. Happiness, sadness, madness, sickness, etc.. First off: for some odd reason I have not felt terrific the past few days and I don't know why.. It sucks monkey balls though... Second order of business: it is getting closer to Thanksgiving and to the end of the month which means that before long it will be five months for me and Dwight ^___^ yay! I am sooo happy with him, no lie. Yet, I don't feel like the feeling's mutual at all times? I don't know.. right now we aren't talking so of course I'm sad.. I guess I am just too sensitive. I just like it when we are talking & laughing & touching each other & looking at each other but then again when we're not it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.. Yeah, this truly is a ramble because I honestly do not know where I am going with this and I am sure it isn't making much sense. I put some italized words at the beginning of this post because I feel like I am pushed away. I do not think it is intentional, it may just be my sensitivity again.. whatever the case may be I still feel like I am pushed away. Maybe it is out of fear? Because at first I was terrified as hell to even get close to someone again and I had all of my walls up but I let those tumble down and now I am vulnerable I guess but I am still not fearful.. So basically, I do not want to be pushed away..... I am about to take a nap I guess. Maybe when I wake up things will be better. At least I hope so because like I said before Dwight makes me soo happy. Oh & yeah I know my happiness should not depend on someone else but it does. Point blank. I wish I could erase the "maybe when I wake up things will be better" because honestly there is nothing wrong with us.. We are happy. We are a great ass couple. I am done rambling. Yuhh. Byes :3

I wasn't going to blog BUT

I need something to keep me awake. After school today, we are having a French club party and I cannot wait, eeeek :p I think I may have placed that comma in the wrong spot but I honestly do not care right now. That is how tired I am. I am currently in the library and nobody is in here... I was sitting with a friend of mine but he decided to go outside sooo it is just me. By myself. Woo. I could be writing stuff for my essay but I don't care about that either. The essay is stupid to me. It's pointless. Why do we have to do it..? I don't know. It will NEVER be on the AP exam so why even bother? That's what I want to know... I thought this class was suppose to prepare me for the AP exam but really all I know is vocabulary words and uh.. that's it. I am fed up with this year. I feel like everyone is slacking and nothing productive is getting done. I am not learning anything in any of my classes. I am instead just sitting around, sleeping, or talking.. That is not what I come to school for. Granted, it is nice not having to do any work but I am a senior about to go off to college and I really do not need to start slacking off now.

I am so emotionally worn out. My body is drained. I am moody. I hate feeling like this. I'm starting to have my random cravings again and for once in like forever, I honestly want a nice bottle of peach soda. Ohmybob. I cannot wait until third block because I am taking my butt straight to sleep. I don't need to be involved in the review game because the tests are that easy.

I am running out of stuff to say so this was probably a very useless blog but oh well :)

I got my ACT score.. I fail at life. Yuh. Bye :3

I want to blog but I'm not sure what I want to blog about..

I am currently in the library with the assignment of writing the senior class article. My mind is blank. Completely blank. The thoughts I am having are:

• Why are people afraid to talk about sex?
• Why do people condemn people that smoke/drink/have sex/party/etc..?
• Why have I been so lazy, lately?
• If I don't make a 27 or higher on the ACT, I am not even bothering to apply for Stanford and Yale.
• If I do get accepted into one of those colleges and get paid enough money where I will be able to afford it, what will happen with me and Dwight?

Elaboration on my last bullet, I would LOVE to attend Stanford or Yale, more specifically Stanford. It'll be the best experience of my life. The campus is beautiful. The dorms are beautiful, residential or traditional--it doesn't matter. The area is beautiful. But then again it is so far away. I would have to leave everything behind and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that... For graduate school? Maybe. Just not for undergraduate.. So, most likely I will be at Ole Miss for four years. Woooo. It's familiar. It's close to home. It's something that I am not afraid of. I know fear shouldn't keep me from going to my dream school but then again the familiarity of Ole Miss and the area makes me happy, plus my boyfriend will be attending Ole Miss so that's a good thing ^_____^

I just had to listen to little girls complain about stupid shit like curfews.

It wasn't an argument against curfews, which is what I expected but they were talking about how their friends should have one BECAUSE it shows that they're loved by their parents.. Uh. Pause. What high school student actually wants to have a curfew? That is what I want to know. By high school, you should already know your parents care for you and shouldn't need restrictions to be able to tell.

I have that curse word in bold and I am afraid that Kimbrell is going to come behind me and read it. But it isn't like he is going to say anything but still. I am going to just type and type until I can no longer see it :)

I am going to start my wish-list because Black Friday is coming up AND Christmas is next month so y'know what that means, SHOPPINGGGGG!

I want:

1. The limited-edition Toms with a little moustache on them.
2. A GRAY pull-over from Hollister.
3. Calculus 101 Toms.
4. New skinny jeans.
5. A pair of boots.
6. A hoop lip ring 16g.
7. A diamond stud lip ring 16g.
8. An industrial bar.
9. Boy sweatpants.
10. Graphic Tees.

K. The break bell will be ringing in like ten minutes or so.. So, I am going to look at stuff online. Byes :3

Oh, btw, I la-la-laLOVE Movemeber. It makes my heart smile. The whole entire month, I am going to see MOUSTACHES EVERYWHERE. EEEEK. I am going to be such a happy girl.

Don't judge me.

I notice everything..

even those little minute details so when I'm concerned, 99.9% of the time I have a legit reason to be. Oh, did I already mention that I hate being pushed away? If you want me in your life, put me there 100% expose me to everything about you, your emotions, your relationships, friendships, etc.. Don't just show me the "good parts" of you. I try so hard to be happy because that is allll I want.. to be happy. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Wrong. I end up doing something wrong every day which leads me to be upset at myself.. My anxiety is starting to get bad again. I am a lot more emotional than I was before and I think about death and me just disappearing off of the face of the planet a lot more.. I know it isn't good to think about dying but when I get like this, the list of reasons to live gets shorter and shorter.. Not saying I am going to end up killing myself because that isn't the case.. I just wish I had more reasons as to why I shouldn't, y'know?

I am going to probably have my first failing grade tomorrow but I don't care.. Honestly.

I am tired of blogging. It's complicated from my phone, bye.

I could possibly get in trouble for this post

but I am so tired of people trying to push the whole religion thing on me. I am not a religious person. It is not like I do not believe that there could have possibly been some sort of higher-being at one point of time but I just do not understand how there could still be someone controlling the universe and "creating people".... I do not worship the devil. I do not believe in "God".. I just simply believe in science and that I did not in fact come from "God" and that humans did not come because "God" created Earth and everything in it but I believe that we eventually, over time, evolved into what it is we are today. Evolution makes sense. Science makes sense. Religion doesn't. How is it that there are so many different religions yet they are all suppose to exist and be real? Are there different quadrants in the sky for different religions? I just do not understand. Why is that gay people are committing a sin by being gay but yet they are supposedly created by "God"..? Oh, yeah, I learned the answer to that question the other day.. Because "nobody is born gay, if you really did not want to be gay anymore and devote your life to God.. you will." But in my eyes, nobody chooses to be a certain way. It is not a choice. Nobody wakes up one day and decides they want to be gay or straight. They just know they want to be that way. They feel those certain attractions to that sex because of SCIENCE.. because of the hormones that are released when you touch that person or look at that person not because of a bible telling you that this is how you are suppose to feel. Blah. I feel like I am going to get in a lot of trouble for this post. A lot of people do not know about my religious views but I am just SO tired of people trying to push me into being a religious person. I do not think that people that believe in God, Buddha, the Devil, or whatever are wrong because I could in fact be wrong but I am just a believer in science and the stuff that makes sense to me. I do not think when I die I am going to heaven or hell.. I believe when I die I am going to rot in my casket. Does that make me a bad person? So be it. I am still the person I was before you read this post and if anyone besides Sandra does read it then now you know how I feel about religion. Judge me if you please but I cannot help the way I feel and I am tired of having to hide my religious views because "society will shun me.." I am not a devil-worshipper.. I will NOT go to hell. If I do not believe in it, I am not afraid of it. That is all I am going to say about it.

Oh, one more thing, because I want to be a future psychiatrist is another reason for my religious views.. I do not see how I will be able to be successful in my field of study if I use religion to answer everything. Eventually you have to choose science or religion and I just chose at an early age.

But on another note: I went to Oxford this past weekend. I would love to say amazing things happened but we just toured the campus. Saturday was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long, long time but it is because of misunderstandings and listening to the wrong people.. I will never do that again. Anywho, the bell is going to ring soon. I am currently on Tumblr anyways. I most likely will end up deleting this blog anyways. I'm too scared of people judging me.

Things can never just be alright.

It is like every day something goes wrong. I don't like it. I just like being happy.. is that too much to ask for? But of course it all comes back to me. Because 99.9% of the time, all of the problems come from me and something I've said or done. I'm not perfect. No where near it. No where close to it. I should not be allowed to be happy because I bring pain upon everyone else.. I had this nice little blog just typed up but somehow I deleted it.. 'tis makes me sad. I wish I could update my playlist but I do not remember my password sooo oh well :) "Can't you hear my heart beat fast, I want this to last..." That's how I feel about me and my current boyfriend. I want things to work out. I know it will.. At least that is what I am going to keep telling myself because I'm in love with this dude. The feelings I feel for him, I have NEVER felt for someone else. I see myself with him for the rest of my life without even having to question how will things work out.. It's a great fucking feeling. Techno music makes my heart smile. I wish I could dance because I would definitely do Youtube videos of me dancing to techno :p I am currently watching my boyfriend and my little cousin play COD: Black-Ops.. this game intrigues me. Forreal. But anywho. I am kind of tired of blogging. So, I'm going to Tumblr. I can just look at stuff. Byes <3

I have school in the morning..

but yet I am wide-awake.. I just got a random urge to blog but now I don't really know what to say.... I was suppose to wash my hair tonight but of course I didn't because I'm too lazy well really it was because I was beyond tired and decided to nap for like three hours.. Homecoming week is next week, wooo! Blah. I am NOT excited though because all of the days are stupid and repeats.. I'm tired of doing the same thing every year... except Monday is different -- it's wig and flip flop day, yaaayyyyyyyyy ! But it is cold outside sooo I will most likely just wear school shoes, my shoes are cute anyways. So, I don't really mind. Anyways, my tummy and chest hurt really bad. At least my back feels a little better.. I cannot stand my body. I really wish I could trade bodies with someone else because nobody understands just how much pain I am always in... My tummy is doing this weird grumble, like you know you should not have ate those wings today... I'm done typing. My mind is blank. Buh-byes :3

Random Rambling.

I have seriously slacked off on the whole scholarship stuff. I don't know what happened like for a good month, I devoted 98% of my time to filling out scholarships, finding more scholarships, getting out my recommendation letters, etc.. but for the past week or so I have not even looked at any. Plus I have two deadlines approaching sooo I guess this weekend I will devote to filling out scholarships since everyone is going to be gone and I'm going to have nothing to do. I REALLY want some Buffalo Wild Wings like I am craving it but for some reason nooo-oneee wants to go with me, it's like I'm asking them to rob a bank or something, geeez. I am currently at school while everyone else is at the movies because I missed three days. Okay. Big deal. I still had 3 98's and 1 101 even with my three absences. And according to my principal, I will "learn my lesson"... he is acting as if I got a referral or something. I just didn't come to school. Two of the days were medical related and the other I was just tooo lazy to come to school. Big deal. Geez. Stfu. So, I decided that I'm going to just say f'trying to stay in school and not miss any days. I mean I'm already not eligible for exemptions anymore since I missed another day. Oh well. I am smart. I can pass my exams. It's not that big of a deal. It just aggravates me that people that make WAY worse grades than I do, are eligible for stuff because they don't miss school. I cannot help it if I am in pain. Or sick. Or lazy. I STILL MAKE GOOD FUCKING GRADES.

I am taking the ACT this weekend and I have not prepared for it, whatsoever.. So, I guess I will just be settling with my 27. It's not thaaat bad. I can still get some $$ for it. At least I hope so..

I am in a lot of pain right now and it hurts to type. I'm about to stop blogging now. The break bell rings soon and nobody is here to go to break with me soo I guess I will continue to sit in the library with no friends like a loser. Yuhh. Byes.

I always try to be strong, but somehow I end up failing..

The number one thing that upsets me more than anything else is being shut out.. & no, not upset in a way in which I am angry but for some unexplainable reason, it saddens the hell out of me. Like all I ever do is try to make sure everyone is okay, no matter what. I put everyone's happiness before mine but it just seems like nobody cares about that.. and they shut me out of their thoughts & feelings.. But why would you do that to someone who honestly cares about what is wrong with you..? I just dont understand. Maybe I should start being like everyone else and just worry about myself, I mean it seems like the right thing to do because apparently worrying about others is just causing me more harm than anything else.

Anyways, I am somewhat accepted into Ole Miss! I have been accepted into the department but I haven't been accepted into the school, yet.. but either way it is still good news :) even if everyone basically gets accepted, lol.

I saw an old friend of mine today, from 9th grade, and it made me really happy for a split second because it was like a piece of the old me was back.. But that shouldn't really make me happy considering the old me is someone I never want to be again. But either way I was still happy to see him.

I don't know what to type right now & I am fighting back tears. Nobody reads this so it does not matter. Bye.

My importance level is low ..

I honestly feel that I care way more about people than they care about me. If my friend was sick, I'd do everything I could to make sure they're okay and that favor is just not returned to me.. But the main reason for me to post this is because today I was reflecting on how much I've progressed since 9th&10th grade .. then on my way home from work I just randomly burst into tears because it was like I realized that besides maybe 4 people, nobody gives af about me.. Maybe this is something I should have realized a long time ago, I definitely would have been much happier a few years ago.

Today I went to the hospital only to find out I have really bad heartburn & acid reflex, yay for me considering I LOVE fast food & spicy food. But maybe it's a sign I need to start eating healthier.

I really don't have anything to say. I'm about to go to bed. I'm no longer crying. Byes :3

Je ne regrette rien..

I FINALLY got my je ne regrette rien tattoo :) My mom said I had to wait 'till I was 18.. pshhh whatever. I got it tonight, on my foot ^__^ I am so happy.

I haven't talked to my boyfriend in almost a week, I'm going crazy.. and my foot is stinging and it's making me forget what I want to type so this is about to be a big jumble of rambles thrown together. I am almost finished with crime and punishment so therefore I will have my summer work completed. Fuck yeah. I almost thought I wasn't going to finish and Mrs. Blackwell was going to have a bad impression of me. I don't know why but she is one of the few teachers at Gautier High School that I want more than anything to impress.

This man is rambling on about his plans for his life & it sounds like pure bullish. Like he said he's a signed rapper but then he said he cuts grass for a living..? o__O I just don't understand, lol.

I'm getting my grandmother's front end bumper thing fixed this weekend which takes like all of the money that was going towards my phone, poooo. But I mean at least I have her car until I can get a car of my own which hopefully will be when I turn 18.. I think that'll be a really well deserved 18th birthday present.

I cannot believe that my first day of my senior year is tomorrow. Shit just got real.

I've caught a cramp in my arm.. so buh-bye :3

Nobody blogs on here so..

this can be like my little diary. Fuck yeah. Everyone went to Tumblr but I tried to "tumble" again but it was an unsuccessful attempt. I have been really emotional lately, no surprise but I don't even know why because for the most part I am happy. No lie. Like there isn't really anything I can complain about besides me being lazy and not being finished with my summer reading assignment STILL. You treat me just like another stranger << That line applies to 99% of my 'friends' but at least I have my bffrrrr (best friend foreverrrr) and a few other friends that I can honestly say I'm about being in my life. I am a freaking senior. Shit just hit me. EEEEK. I found out my class rank. I am #5 out of 220 (I think) but anywho I am kind of disappointed with myself.. my GPA should be higher than a 3.8 and I should be higher than #5 but I am just going to work my butt off this school year to make sure I remain in the top 5.. 'cause overall that is a great accomplishment.

My phone completely died on me. RIP to my poor little phone. It won't even turn on anymore ):

I am going to call T-Mobile and hope that they send me a new one ASAP until I can go buy the sidekick :P

It feels kind of weird blogging.. as if someone is actually going to read this.. knowing that nobody will. Haha. Kind of like I'm talking to myself but really isn't that what I am doing? But anyways.. I love Train. Such a great band. Mhmm. I looked back at my old blogs today, geeez, makes me sad. I said some stuff that I definitely don't regret but wish I didn't post.. stuff such as that I'm going to marry 'T-bear' .. That's one thing I know FOR SURE I am not going to be doing. He wasn't the guy for me. And anyways I'm too young to know who is going to be the "one" that I'm going to end up with for the rest of my life.

I do have a boyfriend now :) It feels nice to say I have a boyfriend instead of me just talking to someone, haha. It hasn't even been a month yet, though but I mean he makes me happy. That means so much to me, you don't even know. I definitely needed someone like him to come into my life because I was slowly regressing back into my old depressed self. I was letting guys completely take advantage of me then he came into my life. I mean it just feels nice for a guy to genuinely like me... for me.

I am cramping like really bad right now >__< I hope my period comes & goes before the first day of school, I dunno why but I HATE being on my period the first few weeks of school. It's like I need to get back into the flow of things (no pun intended) before I am comfortable enough to be on my period. Weird. I know. But I am going to end this and go read some Crime & Punishment.

Buh-bye :3

People change or do I ?

People always say, "It's the person that changed not me." But honestly, I think that over the years it is me that has changed. My priorities are all out of wack and I much rather have fun than get anything productive done... I have lost lots of friends but in all, it has been a life's lesson. I needed to lose those friends in order to appreciate the few I do have.

I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day for the seniors. It's kind of bittersweet. Yes, I am sad that they are graduating but then again I'm happy because now it's my turn to be a senior and dominate the school :) I just hope that I don't stop being friends with them once they graduate like I did last year seniors.. BUT there are going to be tears shed, tomorrow, definitely.

But I'm going to take a nap, I'm tired as poo.

I think I may actually like him.

Okay, he's a player. I get that. But I've gone through quite a few players and I've survived. It is just that he honestly makes me happy. It is like for once, he wants ME ! Instead of me having to fight for the boy's attention. It is a great feeling.

Whatshisface went and fell in love .. he forgot to tell me he was moving on though but now he's deleted out of my life, so it's all good !

I need a new job. Like a job at a restaurant being a waitress.. If I worked two jobs, I might be able to help my mom out some. I'm bout to talk to my new boo though, this was just a quick update :)

I promise I'm going to start blogging again.

I have probably lost all of my readers but I really don't care, I need to let all of these thoughts out.


I am a different girl. Not in a bad way. It is sort of revolutionary -- is that the right word?


I'm in Calculus, at the moment. I honestly have no clue what I'm doing in here.. It is like a foreign language to me. Integrals - Derivatives - Volume using trapezoid rule - Varies jointly as its width and the square root of its height - IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. I have never in my life felt so much like I didn't belong... and in this class I feel like an alien. Everyone around me knows what they are talking about but when it comes to me I don't even know where to start. I have never been left behind in any subject but in Calculus, I am a 'walker' -- that means I don't grasp the information as well as the 'runners'. There are only four walkers.. It really makes me sad.


On the brightside... I may be moving (:

I have to go now... xx

we're in a love circle..

So, I've been listening to DSB's mixtape for the past like 3days. I LOVE IT. Honestly. I am not a big fan of rap or anything of that sort but I'm like addicted to a few songs off of the mixtape -- I think it's their beats, 'cause they're pretty amazing. I'm so nervous about going to school tomorrow and seeing the call list. It's like I'm 99.9% sure I didn't get Frenchy but then again there is that .1% that I did.. so there is still hope :) I am so stressed out lately, I just want a break from life. I wish there was a way to just shut down and a few months later re-boot, stress free, happy, worry free. Blahblahblah. Freak auditions are Monday -- I HAVE TO GET A PART. I'm going to work my little butt off to do a great job at those auditions, I wish there was a way I could get out of 2/4th block for auditions but they are both AP classes :/ which is pretty lame.. So, it makes me believe that there are people that have an advantage over me. Well, my tattoo didn't heal, AGAIN, so that means I'm going to have to go get it re-done for the third time but I'm going to wait for it to warm up a bit before I do 'cause I cannot do flip-flops for a few days in this weather. Ugh, I hate this weather. It is wayyy tooooo cold for South, MS. + it is way too cold for us not to be able to wear jackets in the building, I was really surprised they let us today but it wasn't because of how cold it was outside it was because the heater broke but still like, wth, no matter what we still should be allowed to wear jackets if it is freezing outside. Okay, I'm freezing. I'm sleeping. I'm going to end this. I'll be back tomorrrow ♥

what to say when nothing is okay ?

"State the obvious, I didn't get my perfect fantasy.." So, if it wasn't for music I seriously think I'd die. But I am glad I am getting back to blogging on the regular 'cause my life has been a big jumble of mess with nothing really making any sense... I mean I am relativity happy but then again I am not --if that makes any sense. Longdistancelover is now just longdistancebestfriend.. But that's cool, I guess. NBD. I'm still going to give him his birthday present 'cause that'll probably be the last thing I buy for him. BUT I am so excited about going to France! I cannot wait, it's like for once I am going to be completely happy for TWO1/2WEEKS. While I am there nobody can rain on my parade, that's a fact. I really need to be doing my homework but I have this huge problem with homework lately.. I just don't like doing it? That's not a good thing, lol.

Oh, I found a new guyyy ♥ he isn't really my type, he seems like a player, and I'm pretty sure nothing will ever develop out of me and him but he is exactly what I need right now. He knows how to put a smile on my face and he texts ME first. I don't have to worry about texting him. +if I don't text back, he's all concerned and crap and ask me if he offended me or anything :)

"In your life, you'll do things greater than dating a boy on the football team --I didn't know it at *16"

signals, emotions, songs.

So, my longdistancelover is f'in STUPID. I don't see things working out with me and him, at all.. It is not because I don't like him because I like him a lot but the thing is the feelings are not mutual or something of that sort. He has been ignoring me which is throwing me allll the way off but then when I do talk to him, he tells me that he still likes me and that he doesn't want to stop talking to me -- SO TF? I don't know what to do about that whole situation.. I feel like if I give up now, I'm going to regret it but then again there is not much for me to hold on to, atm. Music is therapy ♥ if it wasn't for me listening to music right now, I honestly think I would be having an anxiety attack. Crying + anger + anxiety = not good. "I don't wanna know it's over, so save your goodbye kiss. I don't wanna know it's over 'cause ignorance is bliss." -- that's how I feel right now. (I'm rambling, btw, 'cause I know this isn't making much sense) It is like I don't want to give up on him. I canNOT give up on him. I want him to be my soul mate. I want him to be that boy that I end up dating in college and we fall in love and get married and do not separate until death. He just doesn't seem like he wants the same thing, though. I mean yeah he tells me that he wants me in his life for, forever but does that mean he wants me as his friend? or what? I don't even know. Ah, hello tears.. I haven't missed you -___-

Anyways, my life is so different right now... I don't talk/hang out with any of the same people I use to.. It is like now it is just me & three people that hang out. But I'm cool with that, people move on and find better friends -- I've accepted that. The other day I woke up to a "good night beautiful, I hope you're sleeping well :*" text message and it made me smile so hard! Even if it wasn't from the person I wanted it to be from it was still one of the sweetest things that has been said to me in like 4months..

My thoughts are all jumbled right now, though, so I'm going to end this.
xoxo,
C'aria.

I cannot commit..

I've been saying that I'm going to commit myself back to this blog but for some reason I keep forgetting :/ but I definitely need to start blogging again because of the fact there has been so much built up emotions that I need to let out before I start having anxiety attacks or something. So, I'm single -- AGAIN. No surprise there, huh? But I do have a guy that I'm talking to and I seriously, 100% believe that he is my soulmate. I know it sounds corny BUT he's liked me since the 6th grade, I mean come on, who still remembers their 6th grade crush?! I know I definitely do not! But the only bad thing is that he lives 5FREAKINGhours away. It makes it so hard on me to maintain things with him because lately guys have been throwing themselves on me left and right but I have to just let them be 'cause I don't want to ruin things with me and the longdistanceguy. The only big problem I have with him is the fact that he doesn't say sweet things to me...? I am so used to guys texting me, "good morning beautiful" or "i've been thinking about you" -- things like that but with him it is nothing.. I'll be lucky to even get a good morning from him. He also doesn't call me like 'bay, babe, baby, sweetheart, etc..' but instead it is always C'aria. TF?! That makes me so mad 'cause it just seems like he doesn't want to be on that level with me that I feel like we are already on.. So, I guess in reality he really cannot commit to me. The thing is though I don't want him to, I do not want a boyfriend that lives far away from me and I do not want a boyfriend that cannot trust me -- oh yeah that's another thing he doesn't trust me... he thinks that I'm just saying these things to him and probably 4otherguys, also... but the only thing I want from him is to say that we're talking... So, that he can be mine without actually having to be mine.. if that makes sense. But I need to work on my DBQ 'cause it's kind of due today and I only have a sentence... So, buh-bye (:

xoxo,

C'aria.