I haven't been on here in awhile.

Nobody is here to read this which is something that I'm thankful for. I need this time to just vent and let out all of these built up emotions.

My life is slowly falling apart. I'm not exaggerating when I say this either. I have been complaining for a few weeks now because I do not have a job but it has really hit me that I do not have a job. If I do not find one soon then not only will I suffer but my family will as well. It will be on my shoulders not anybody else's because I quit my job. That was MY choice. And I have to live with it. I wish I could just go away for a few weeks, just sneak away and upon my return my life will be back to normal. It'd be amazing if it worked like that.

And what's worse is that I'm suffering through this all alone. It'd be much better if I had someone to help me through it but I don't. I'm so emotional right now and all I want to do is cry, cry, and cry some more.

I just hope it gets easier.

I see the man of my dreams..

I see the man of my dreams everytime I look at Dwight Montrail Duckworth. I see the man I've always wanted as child and I see the man I will always need as an adult. I see my boyfriend but not only that, I see my soulmate. I see the reason for my smiles and the hand to wipe my tears. I see the arms to hold me tight and the lips to kiss mine. I hear the anger in his voice but yet I know the aching in his heart... That is why these arguments are not phasing me as much as they should. I cry but not because I am unhappy and want things to end.. I cry because I just want you to understand; that the little petty things shouldn't matter to you and I because in the end our hearts will never divide. You are mine forever and I am also yours so baby please stop acting as if you're going to walk out that door.. I know with time things will be better, whether a few minutes or an hour like I said they will get better.. On our way home today, I stared at you for awhile and I sat there and hoped that I'll see your smile.. You have a beautiful smile, by the way, and that's the smile I don't want to ever fade.. You are the one that I see in my life for forever and a day, or forever and two days in your case... lol. I sometimes sit there and think, "man is this forreal or is this a dream?" because I still cannot wrap my finger around the fact that you are mine forever and that's that.. I hope that you see this somehow and when you do I hope it makes you smile..

I love you baby, with all my heart.. and nothing will ever tear us apart.

07.10.2011-forever+a day <3

It is 9:17 AM

and I am sitting in the library.. as usual. I left my house in a happy mood, not too happy to be going to school but overall I was happy.. Yet, as soon as I stepped foot onto Gautier High School's campus I instantly became sad. I do not know why. I have been sooo emotional lately and my poor boyfriend has had to suffer. But I am honestly ready for high school to end not because of school itself but in all actuality I believe that this environment is depressing me. The people here are eh, in general: messy. I cannot trust anyone. I do not try to befriend anyone. Maybe that is why I do not have any friends, lol. I witnessed someone going from one block calling someone else a bitch and declaring they hate them to the next block hugging all on them and acting as if they were the greatest of friends. I can admit I have been nice to people I am not friends with but not to the extent where they will confuse my kindness for friendship.

A side note to my statement of "my poor boyfriend has had to suffer".. Dwight, if you are reading this then I am 100%, truly sorry for the way I have been behaving lately. I know the past few days have been a roller coaster with me and I do not know why I am this way but I am going to try to control it. I do not want to risk you getting mad at me or us getting into an argument because of me being moody, that'll be stupid. So, I am sorry and I do hope that I am able to control it.. I love you with all of my heart baby :*

Okay, back to this, I just got finished designing my senior ad and hmmm.. I like it. It is quite plain but I am not that exciting of a person. I need to take a picture with my moustache bandanna though, it'll complete my ad :) My back is currently killing me. I could be using this time to fill out applications. But I am lazy. I have no motivation anymore--mainly because I am lazy--.. and I am going to end this blog, too.. Because.. I am lazy.

..being lazy should be a disease and there should be a cure for it .___.

xx

VII.X.XI.

My life is falling apart..

Did I use that title already? Oh well. It is crazy reflecting back over the years.. Crazy because I have honestly lost every aspect of my past.. Myself, friendships, "best friends", my old life.. Which is a good thing, right? Shed the old skin and start off new. That works for me. I am fine with that but now I am so vulnerable and so sensitive and so emotional and so much more.. I am not use to being the person without friends. The girl with zero text messages all day. The one who knows if she isn't hanging out with her boyfriend then she will be doing absolutely nothing.. I am not use to that..and frankly, it hurts like hell. I have been trying to stay strong and act like I do not care.. But I do. I care a lot. A lot more than I probably should.. I am not saying I am not happy with my life as it is now, I am just not use to it.. That is all. I love the fact that my boyfriend is not only just that but my best friend as well. I love that in all essence, he is the only person I need in my life. Yet, what if he can't always be there.. then what? Who am I left with? Nobody.. I am sure nobody can relate to this. At all. Just imagine a day where if your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't talk to you, you would get no texts, no mentions, nothing.. You can't huh? Because everyone has someone.. and I don't.

Like I said already, I do not mind the fact that I only have my boyfriend.. because in the long run he is always going to be here for me. But what do I do when I am lying in a dark room, crying my eyes out? Who do I turn to? Where is that friend that is suppose to comfort me? I don't have them. This blog is making absolutely no sense. I do apologize.

I am probably going to anger Dwight with this post.. but it is like he wants me all to himself & now he has me.. now what? I am emotional and we argue all the time. Not exactly what I am sure he was looking for.

"I don't want to be alone." That statement describes perfectly the whole drama of my night. I do not want to be alone. I am so afraid that at a young age, I am going to be forced to be alone. I do not want that. I fear that. Yet, I am constantly finding myself alone..

This blog is all over the place. I am not even sure if it all makes sense. I tried to stick to the point. This night has consisted of a lot of tears. A lot of music. Tons of quotes. And a tremendous amount of thinking.. I have thought about a lot. Mainly about my relationship. Like you all know, I want to be with my boyfriend for forever. Okay. I have stressed that enough.

.. I am going to just end this blog. Basically: I have nobody but my boyfriend. Right now I am feeling quite alone.

January 10, 2012.

I haven't blogged in awhile and for that I apologize. I am saying that like I have a lot of readers or something, haha. Anyways: a lot has happened well not really but there are a few things I have to blog about.

I realized that I miss someone way more than I thought I would. Like, I really hope that soon we can have our friendship again.. Because I miss the hell out of it. It is like having a family member that you absolutely cannot stand but without them you just do not feel complete.. That is kind of how it is with me and this person. I have said some horrid things about them and I am sure the favor was returned but when it comes down to it, we had some amazing memories together that will forever cherish.

Today makes six months, eeek. I know it's only half a year but geez it's that much closer to being a year ^___^ I have found the love of my life and I never want to let him go, like forreal. Whenever I think about the future, I automatically see him in it. It is like I know we are going to be together for forever. I know that life probably has two separate paths for us but I am willing to make sure that they still meet.. Because I do not want to spend my life without him. It is honestly crazy that I have found someone I want to be with at the age of 17. But when you know it's real, you just know it. There is no way to explain it but if you've been in this situation then you know what I am talking about.

I am suppose to be revising my essay for Mrs. Blackwell. Oh.

I don't feel like it so I will just turn it in tomorrow. Blah. I am such a horrible student.

Speaking of horrible: I made a freaking SIXTY on a quiz. I have never done that horrible.. Unless it was Calculus. I wanted to cry but I took that grade like a man, hehe.

I have not felt well for the past two days and it is kind of pissing me off. Like I can never just be fine. Something always has to be wrong with me.

I want to nap. So, I think I might just do that...

This blog was horrible. And I don't know why I keep putting spaces in-between everything, oh well. Byes :3

7.10.11-forever ♥

I am barely holding on..

It is like I am made up of all these pieces of fabric that are loosely stitched together & there is a piece of thread holding me together in the middle. And that piece of thread is him, Dwight, the love of my life, my one & only.. It is like I feel like everything is falling apart but yet there he is holding it all together. Whether he knows it or not.. There is this little voice in my head that hasn't left in the past two weeks and that voice.. oh, it says some nasty things.. it is like my thoughts literally scare me. My anxiety has gotten so bad that whenever I am alone, I feel as if I am going to break down at any moment. And with my mom being in the hospital, it is not helping me much. But there he is again, making me feel better. That is why I honestly believe that he is my sole reason for my happiness, my existence.. Everyone tells me that my mom is going to be okay but oh how I hate to see her like this.. That is really why I hate going to visit her, not because I am "bored" but because on the inside it kills me to see my mom lying in that hospital bed. Then, when I am with her alone it is too much for me to bear. Tonight as soon as I got to the hospital she told me to give her a hug and that she loved me so much only to proceed with "I don't know how much longer I am going to be here." .. I know she is just saying that but it scared the absolute shit out of me. What if something goes wrong with one of the surgeries? I cannot imagine my life without my mom right now. It is like she is more than a parent, she is my sister, my best friend. I tell her just about everything and everytime I need comfort.. there she is. This is getting all jumbled. My thoughts are everywhere........

I have been so emotional lately, it is crazy. Tonight my boyfriend thought I was mad at him over something so silly but I just wish he'd understand that right now I need him more than anything.. I wasn't upset at the fact that he wasn't going to be spending the night at the hospital with me, I was upset because I knew I would have to face this alone. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. And here I am: crying with my thoughts all over the place.

Geeeez. I love him with all of my heart though. He honestly makes everything better, like I said previously whether he knows it or not. He may not know how much of an impact he has on my life but maybe he'll stumble upon this post today or tomorrow or so.. and if you do, Dwight, just know that I am soooo thankful for you. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so happy to have you, especially now. The fact that you are as concerned for my mom makes me soooo happy because I love the fact that you love her and that she loves you. I wish you were here right now but I will have you allll weekend, right? I cannot wait :*

I am watching TV Land at the moment aaaand now I am thinking about my grandpa. Ohlawd. I am a wreck.

Whenever I wake up everything will be okay and once I see my baby I know I will be alright again.

Byes :3

**I know this blog was crazy. I apologize.

Selfish.

I always blog about my boyfriend/friends/school/life .. But I rarely blog about my family and if I do, it's normally not good things. Yesterday around 3 in the morning, I got a message informing me that my mom and uncle had gotten into a wreck and were in the hospital. Ok. The tears instantly started to form and worry filled my body, I didn't know what happened or the severity of their injuries. Well, after I asked a lot of questions I found out that they were okay besides my mom had a few minor injuries BUT that still didn't calm me down. All I could think about was what if things had happened differently? What if I would have lost one or both of them? It was too much for me to bear so I just pushed those thoughts aside. Basically: until yesterday I didn't know just how much I cared for my family & how I don't want to lose them. I think that was idk if the word is selfish but whatever the word, it shouldn't have taken me until now to figure that out.

Another train of thought: I really do miss the old people in my life, I have a lot of people I say "oh, that was my best friend." & that reaaaaalllllyyyy makes me sad. I'm not complaining about the people I have in my life now, I just wish I had them with the addition of a few people from my past. It is like no matter how mad I was at them, the memories of all the fun times we had together triumphs that anger.

Yesterday, my secret Santa gave me mustache earrings !!! Oh my gosh, I am so happy. I was told I had the best reaction to my present :3 I finished my AP English exam in one day when it's suppose to be a two day exam so I'm kind of scared as to how well I actually did.

I realized that it is as if I'm trying to squeeze into a spot that wasn't made for me.. Okay, let me explain because that statement was very vague. Everyone expects me to do amazingly well in life.. Go off to an university, finish my undergrad then go to a graduate school.. But what if I don't want that anymore? What if I told them I just wanted to become a teacher? Or not go to college at all? They wouldn't approve of that. Not saying I don't want to go on the path, they've pre-routed for me it's just I feel like maybe I won't fit.. Then what?

Jealousy,

it is one of those things that can either break a relationship or strengthen it... I say that because in a relationship, it is cute to exhibit some sort of jealous tendencies because it shows that they care about you but then again if they are too jealous then it'll make you not want to be with them anymore. The whole purpose of this post is because yesterday someone texted me informing me of "what my boyfriend is doing" and how "he isn't claiming me or our relationship". PAUSE. First of all, it says everywhere that me and Dwight are dating and he is always with me.. I don't understand how he would be able to go cheat on me and stuff... But like because I trust him sooo much I didn't even get upset, I laughed it off because to me it is funny.. Like quite hilarious that in every, single relationship I am ever in I always end up having at least someone trying to ruin it. But anywho, my thoughts are jumbled. I really did have a point with that whole jealousy thing though.. I just don't know where I was going with it.

I don't really know what else to blog.. Blah.

Tomorrow is the yearbook Christmas party and I know it isn't going to compare to last year's. It is like last year was amazing and this year everyone is so......... idk. Maybe it is just me. Because I do not 'mingle' with everyone but that is only because everyone already clique'd up like the first day.

I have work tonight and I much rather go home and study and spend time with my boyfriend.

I am going to take a thirty minute nap, k.

Byes :3

"D is for Pac-Man"

Today, I had a really amazing time in AP Government and we basically planned out our lives, hehe. I decided that Dwight and I were going to adopt three children: one from China, one from Africa, and one from America and their names are going to be, Xoe Cheyenne, Jace Montrail, and Skye-Leyah Taylor. EEEEK. I know I'm silly for thinking this far into the future but I mean I might as well, right?

I came home in the greatest of moods because I honestly had a great day, nothing happened that was too major and I was mostly smiling the whole day.. But that happiness wasn't shared when I got home. But oh well...

I decided I am going to start Christmas shopping this weekend, I cannot wait :P I hope everyone likes my presents that I buy them if they don't then oh well they are still going to pretend to like them and that's good enough for me, lol.

It's crazy how when you're alone, the thoughts that you try to forget began to surface. I am currently sitting on my bed, in a dark room. I am trying to maintain "happiness" by listening to music and I started this blog to get my mind off of things but for some reason I just cannot be happy. It is like I love to cry or something. If I'm not crying then something is not right.. At least that is how it is starting to feel....

My mind is a big jumble right now so bear with me.

I think the whole "I love you more" game is cute but in honesty I believe with all of my heart I love my boyfriend more than he loves me. Not saying that in a negative way but it is just in my eyes, obvious that I care for him more.. In everything we do. Maybe I just show my feelings more than he does but either way I feel like I'm more in this than he is. This is starting to sound horrible and that is not my intention. I just mean I honestly, 100% love him. There is no doubt in my head, heart, or anything on whether or not I love him. It is like I just know it. It is like those soulmates that you read about in books and you always hope to find him but you are never quite sure when you will and then you end up thinking you are going to be that one person lonely and without anyone until they are like 40.. But I am 17 and I feel like I've found my soulmate.

But right now he is in the other room. Without me. And it is like I hope that he'll just come in here and sit down with me and ask me if anything is wrong. But I know he won't. But that is just how he is, there is nothing wrong with it. I just hope he cares about me as much as he says he does. After the events that have happened this year, I don't want to lose anyone else...

I feel like if I told him right now that it was over, he wouldn't fight for me and honestly I am terrified of that. Not saying I would ever say that to him but my whole point is that I just hope in the end, he is willing to fight for me.

He jokingly referenced my ex-boyfriend as my "boy toy" and whether he knows it or not but it upset me. Not going to lie and make it seem as if it didn't affect me. I don't have feelings for any other guy, I am filled with disgust when guys try to talk to me or when my ex's try to walk with me or "flirt" with me. I don't want them. I don't want anyone else. And for him to just say that with the most nonchalant manner, hurt me. I know he didn't mean any harm by it.. But it hurt.

I am still sitting here, hoping...

Byes :3

My day started off horribly..

My day really began at 2 in the morning, when I woke up in tears but I was comforted by my lovely boyfriend and a few hours later went back to bed. I then left my house early to get some breakfast ONLY to go to McDonald's and the line being too long, Wendy's and them being out of biscuits, and the gas station for them to be out of sausage biscuits....

Then, I finally made it to school and I now I have an immense headache which is probably due to all of the crying I did.

Yesterday, I found out some horrible news. Well, the whole school found out some horrible news. Anyone that reads my blog I'm pretty sure knows what I am talking about. But to me death is a funny thing. It's one of those things that I am just not able to grasp no matter how much I try. I just can't wrap my head around it. How is it that one day someone is there and the next they are forever gone? That cannot be true. I know that the memory of Walmsley will live on forever. Everything I do will be a reminder of just how amazing she was and the impact she had on my life. Even though she was just a teacher at Gautier High School, she was the bloodline of the school. She impacted so many students and developed an indescribable bond with each of her students. I really did not expect to lose her. I always thought of her as someone I will have in my life for many, many years.. Gossiping about everyone and everything and sharing my college experience while she complains about the students she has to deal with. I am getting emotional again so I'm going to stop talking about this.

This year has been a difficult year for me, emotionally and physically. 2011 will forever be taunted by so many memories, good and bad. But in all they are all just stepping stones and life lessons. I have grown into such a wonderful woman from this year. I have learned how to deal with situations I never thought I'd come across at such a young age but I didn't burn from it, just learned from it.

The break bell is going to ring soon and I am craving cookies. Buh-byes :3

Untitled

I started this blog last Friday morning while standing in the middle of Fred's, thinking of him.. I had the intention of a really cute, sweet post but instead by the time I got back to this I have an entirely different topic to blog about.. The conversation of love came up in my AP Government class and not the question of what is love but more of the existence of love. The arguments were that the word love is used as a mere excuse to do things otherwise unacceptable unless you are in love such as: have sex, have kids, etc.. Which is a valid argument but to me love is more than an excuse, it's that undescribable feeling that one gets.. It's the feeling you get when you go off somewhere and return and see your significant other. It's the butterflies you get and the smile that you can't wipe off your face. To me love is not an excuse, love is a reason. Love is the reason I am so happy. Love is the reason I am willing to commit to someone at the age of 17 for the rest of my life. Love is the reason for my existence because love is the fuel I need to get me by.

I am in love with my boyfriend, Dwight, and I would blog this really cute post but it isn't necessary. I do not need to show off and boast about my boyfriend and how he is better than anyone else. Because he just is. No words needed.

Byes :3

Confused.

I want to blog but I am scared of how it may come out so I am just going to say that I have decided on what school I am definitely going to and I just hope that I can stick to my whole plan of double majoring and hopefully stay in the RC or get the Luckyday scholarship.. hopefully.

I have a major decision to make and I don't know if I am going to be able to make it. It is going to have a huge impact if I do though.

I am too moody and in so much pain that I don't think I can write this blog right now. I really wanted to blog though. I had a whole topic to blog about and everything.. oh well.

Bye.

This was never my intention, I promise.

I am sorry for any hurt I have caused you... it was not my intention.

I regret what happened. I wish I could blog more in detail but just know I am full of regret. I always said I would regret nothing but oh I do regret this.. I feel like I hurt the one person who means the most to me.. and the fact that we aren't talking right now hurts sooo bad, honestly.

Anywho: I am determined to have Wuthering Heights finished today. Yuhh.

I love you.

My reason to smile.

If I pushed you away, the way you push me away.. Would you still have a lot of reasons to stay?

I don't know where I am going with this post but I am just a jumble of emotions right now.. Happiness, sadness, madness, sickness, etc.. First off: for some odd reason I have not felt terrific the past few days and I don't know why.. It sucks monkey balls though... Second order of business: it is getting closer to Thanksgiving and to the end of the month which means that before long it will be five months for me and Dwight ^___^ yay! I am sooo happy with him, no lie. Yet, I don't feel like the feeling's mutual at all times? I don't know.. right now we aren't talking so of course I'm sad.. I guess I am just too sensitive. I just like it when we are talking & laughing & touching each other & looking at each other but then again when we're not it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.. Yeah, this truly is a ramble because I honestly do not know where I am going with this and I am sure it isn't making much sense. I put some italized words at the beginning of this post because I feel like I am pushed away. I do not think it is intentional, it may just be my sensitivity again.. whatever the case may be I still feel like I am pushed away. Maybe it is out of fear? Because at first I was terrified as hell to even get close to someone again and I had all of my walls up but I let those tumble down and now I am vulnerable I guess but I am still not fearful.. So basically, I do not want to be pushed away..... I am about to take a nap I guess. Maybe when I wake up things will be better. At least I hope so because like I said before Dwight makes me soo happy. Oh & yeah I know my happiness should not depend on someone else but it does. Point blank. I wish I could erase the "maybe when I wake up things will be better" because honestly there is nothing wrong with us.. We are happy. We are a great ass couple. I am done rambling. Yuhh. Byes :3

I wasn't going to blog BUT

I need something to keep me awake. After school today, we are having a French club party and I cannot wait, eeeek :p I think I may have placed that comma in the wrong spot but I honestly do not care right now. That is how tired I am. I am currently in the library and nobody is in here... I was sitting with a friend of mine but he decided to go outside sooo it is just me. By myself. Woo. I could be writing stuff for my essay but I don't care about that either. The essay is stupid to me. It's pointless. Why do we have to do it..? I don't know. It will NEVER be on the AP exam so why even bother? That's what I want to know... I thought this class was suppose to prepare me for the AP exam but really all I know is vocabulary words and uh.. that's it. I am fed up with this year. I feel like everyone is slacking and nothing productive is getting done. I am not learning anything in any of my classes. I am instead just sitting around, sleeping, or talking.. That is not what I come to school for. Granted, it is nice not having to do any work but I am a senior about to go off to college and I really do not need to start slacking off now.

I am so emotionally worn out. My body is drained. I am moody. I hate feeling like this. I'm starting to have my random cravings again and for once in like forever, I honestly want a nice bottle of peach soda. Ohmybob. I cannot wait until third block because I am taking my butt straight to sleep. I don't need to be involved in the review game because the tests are that easy.

I am running out of stuff to say so this was probably a very useless blog but oh well :)

I got my ACT score.. I fail at life. Yuh. Bye :3

I want to blog but I'm not sure what I want to blog about..

I am currently in the library with the assignment of writing the senior class article. My mind is blank. Completely blank. The thoughts I am having are:

• Why are people afraid to talk about sex?
• Why do people condemn people that smoke/drink/have sex/party/etc..?
• Why have I been so lazy, lately?
• If I don't make a 27 or higher on the ACT, I am not even bothering to apply for Stanford and Yale.
• If I do get accepted into one of those colleges and get paid enough money where I will be able to afford it, what will happen with me and Dwight?

Elaboration on my last bullet, I would LOVE to attend Stanford or Yale, more specifically Stanford. It'll be the best experience of my life. The campus is beautiful. The dorms are beautiful, residential or traditional--it doesn't matter. The area is beautiful. But then again it is so far away. I would have to leave everything behind and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that... For graduate school? Maybe. Just not for undergraduate.. So, most likely I will be at Ole Miss for four years. Woooo. It's familiar. It's close to home. It's something that I am not afraid of. I know fear shouldn't keep me from going to my dream school but then again the familiarity of Ole Miss and the area makes me happy, plus my boyfriend will be attending Ole Miss so that's a good thing ^_____^

I just had to listen to little girls complain about stupid shit like curfews.

It wasn't an argument against curfews, which is what I expected but they were talking about how their friends should have one BECAUSE it shows that they're loved by their parents.. Uh. Pause. What high school student actually wants to have a curfew? That is what I want to know. By high school, you should already know your parents care for you and shouldn't need restrictions to be able to tell.

I have that curse word in bold and I am afraid that Kimbrell is going to come behind me and read it. But it isn't like he is going to say anything but still. I am going to just type and type until I can no longer see it :)

I am going to start my wish-list because Black Friday is coming up AND Christmas is next month so y'know what that means, SHOPPINGGGGG!

I want:

1. The limited-edition Toms with a little moustache on them.
2. A GRAY pull-over from Hollister.
3. Calculus 101 Toms.
4. New skinny jeans.
5. A pair of boots.
6. A hoop lip ring 16g.
7. A diamond stud lip ring 16g.
8. An industrial bar.
9. Boy sweatpants.
10. Graphic Tees.

K. The break bell will be ringing in like ten minutes or so.. So, I am going to look at stuff online. Byes :3

Oh, btw, I la-la-laLOVE Movemeber. It makes my heart smile. The whole entire month, I am going to see MOUSTACHES EVERYWHERE. EEEEK. I am going to be such a happy girl.

Don't judge me.

I notice everything..

even those little minute details so when I'm concerned, 99.9% of the time I have a legit reason to be. Oh, did I already mention that I hate being pushed away? If you want me in your life, put me there 100% expose me to everything about you, your emotions, your relationships, friendships, etc.. Don't just show me the "good parts" of you. I try so hard to be happy because that is allll I want.. to be happy. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Wrong. I end up doing something wrong every day which leads me to be upset at myself.. My anxiety is starting to get bad again. I am a lot more emotional than I was before and I think about death and me just disappearing off of the face of the planet a lot more.. I know it isn't good to think about dying but when I get like this, the list of reasons to live gets shorter and shorter.. Not saying I am going to end up killing myself because that isn't the case.. I just wish I had more reasons as to why I shouldn't, y'know?

I am going to probably have my first failing grade tomorrow but I don't care.. Honestly.

I am tired of blogging. It's complicated from my phone, bye.

I could possibly get in trouble for this post

but I am so tired of people trying to push the whole religion thing on me. I am not a religious person. It is not like I do not believe that there could have possibly been some sort of higher-being at one point of time but I just do not understand how there could still be someone controlling the universe and "creating people".... I do not worship the devil. I do not believe in "God".. I just simply believe in science and that I did not in fact come from "God" and that humans did not come because "God" created Earth and everything in it but I believe that we eventually, over time, evolved into what it is we are today. Evolution makes sense. Science makes sense. Religion doesn't. How is it that there are so many different religions yet they are all suppose to exist and be real? Are there different quadrants in the sky for different religions? I just do not understand. Why is that gay people are committing a sin by being gay but yet they are supposedly created by "God"..? Oh, yeah, I learned the answer to that question the other day.. Because "nobody is born gay, if you really did not want to be gay anymore and devote your life to God.. you will." But in my eyes, nobody chooses to be a certain way. It is not a choice. Nobody wakes up one day and decides they want to be gay or straight. They just know they want to be that way. They feel those certain attractions to that sex because of SCIENCE.. because of the hormones that are released when you touch that person or look at that person not because of a bible telling you that this is how you are suppose to feel. Blah. I feel like I am going to get in a lot of trouble for this post. A lot of people do not know about my religious views but I am just SO tired of people trying to push me into being a religious person. I do not think that people that believe in God, Buddha, the Devil, or whatever are wrong because I could in fact be wrong but I am just a believer in science and the stuff that makes sense to me. I do not think when I die I am going to heaven or hell.. I believe when I die I am going to rot in my casket. Does that make me a bad person? So be it. I am still the person I was before you read this post and if anyone besides Sandra does read it then now you know how I feel about religion. Judge me if you please but I cannot help the way I feel and I am tired of having to hide my religious views because "society will shun me.." I am not a devil-worshipper.. I will NOT go to hell. If I do not believe in it, I am not afraid of it. That is all I am going to say about it.

Oh, one more thing, because I want to be a future psychiatrist is another reason for my religious views.. I do not see how I will be able to be successful in my field of study if I use religion to answer everything. Eventually you have to choose science or religion and I just chose at an early age.

But on another note: I went to Oxford this past weekend. I would love to say amazing things happened but we just toured the campus. Saturday was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long, long time but it is because of misunderstandings and listening to the wrong people.. I will never do that again. Anywho, the bell is going to ring soon. I am currently on Tumblr anyways. I most likely will end up deleting this blog anyways. I'm too scared of people judging me.

Things can never just be alright.

It is like every day something goes wrong. I don't like it. I just like being happy.. is that too much to ask for? But of course it all comes back to me. Because 99.9% of the time, all of the problems come from me and something I've said or done. I'm not perfect. No where near it. No where close to it. I should not be allowed to be happy because I bring pain upon everyone else.. I had this nice little blog just typed up but somehow I deleted it.. 'tis makes me sad. I wish I could update my playlist but I do not remember my password sooo oh well :) "Can't you hear my heart beat fast, I want this to last..." That's how I feel about me and my current boyfriend. I want things to work out. I know it will.. At least that is what I am going to keep telling myself because I'm in love with this dude. The feelings I feel for him, I have NEVER felt for someone else. I see myself with him for the rest of my life without even having to question how will things work out.. It's a great fucking feeling. Techno music makes my heart smile. I wish I could dance because I would definitely do Youtube videos of me dancing to techno :p I am currently watching my boyfriend and my little cousin play COD: Black-Ops.. this game intrigues me. Forreal. But anywho. I am kind of tired of blogging. So, I'm going to Tumblr. I can just look at stuff. Byes <3

I have school in the morning..

but yet I am wide-awake.. I just got a random urge to blog but now I don't really know what to say.... I was suppose to wash my hair tonight but of course I didn't because I'm too lazy well really it was because I was beyond tired and decided to nap for like three hours.. Homecoming week is next week, wooo! Blah. I am NOT excited though because all of the days are stupid and repeats.. I'm tired of doing the same thing every year... except Monday is different -- it's wig and flip flop day, yaaayyyyyyyyy ! But it is cold outside sooo I will most likely just wear school shoes, my shoes are cute anyways. So, I don't really mind. Anyways, my tummy and chest hurt really bad. At least my back feels a little better.. I cannot stand my body. I really wish I could trade bodies with someone else because nobody understands just how much pain I am always in... My tummy is doing this weird grumble, like you know you should not have ate those wings today... I'm done typing. My mind is blank. Buh-byes :3