People change or do I ?

People always say, "It's the person that changed not me." But honestly, I think that over the years it is me that has changed. My priorities are all out of wack and I much rather have fun than get anything productive done... I have lost lots of friends but in all, it has been a life's lesson. I needed to lose those friends in order to appreciate the few I do have.

I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day for the seniors. It's kind of bittersweet. Yes, I am sad that they are graduating but then again I'm happy because now it's my turn to be a senior and dominate the school :) I just hope that I don't stop being friends with them once they graduate like I did last year seniors.. BUT there are going to be tears shed, tomorrow, definitely.

But I'm going to take a nap, I'm tired as poo.

I think I may actually like him.

Okay, he's a player. I get that. But I've gone through quite a few players and I've survived. It is just that he honestly makes me happy. It is like for once, he wants ME ! Instead of me having to fight for the boy's attention. It is a great feeling.

Whatshisface went and fell in love .. he forgot to tell me he was moving on though but now he's deleted out of my life, so it's all good !

I need a new job. Like a job at a restaurant being a waitress.. If I worked two jobs, I might be able to help my mom out some. I'm bout to talk to my new boo though, this was just a quick update :)

I promise I'm going to start blogging again.

I have probably lost all of my readers but I really don't care, I need to let all of these thoughts out.


I am a different girl. Not in a bad way. It is sort of revolutionary -- is that the right word?


I'm in Calculus, at the moment. I honestly have no clue what I'm doing in here.. It is like a foreign language to me. Integrals - Derivatives - Volume using trapezoid rule - Varies jointly as its width and the square root of its height - IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. I have never in my life felt so much like I didn't belong... and in this class I feel like an alien. Everyone around me knows what they are talking about but when it comes to me I don't even know where to start. I have never been left behind in any subject but in Calculus, I am a 'walker' -- that means I don't grasp the information as well as the 'runners'. There are only four walkers.. It really makes me sad.


On the brightside... I may be moving (:

I have to go now... xx

we're in a love circle..

So, I've been listening to DSB's mixtape for the past like 3days. I LOVE IT. Honestly. I am not a big fan of rap or anything of that sort but I'm like addicted to a few songs off of the mixtape -- I think it's their beats, 'cause they're pretty amazing. I'm so nervous about going to school tomorrow and seeing the call list. It's like I'm 99.9% sure I didn't get Frenchy but then again there is that .1% that I did.. so there is still hope :) I am so stressed out lately, I just want a break from life. I wish there was a way to just shut down and a few months later re-boot, stress free, happy, worry free. Blahblahblah. Freak auditions are Monday -- I HAVE TO GET A PART. I'm going to work my little butt off to do a great job at those auditions, I wish there was a way I could get out of 2/4th block for auditions but they are both AP classes :/ which is pretty lame.. So, it makes me believe that there are people that have an advantage over me. Well, my tattoo didn't heal, AGAIN, so that means I'm going to have to go get it re-done for the third time but I'm going to wait for it to warm up a bit before I do 'cause I cannot do flip-flops for a few days in this weather. Ugh, I hate this weather. It is wayyy tooooo cold for South, MS. + it is way too cold for us not to be able to wear jackets in the building, I was really surprised they let us today but it wasn't because of how cold it was outside it was because the heater broke but still like, wth, no matter what we still should be allowed to wear jackets if it is freezing outside. Okay, I'm freezing. I'm sleeping. I'm going to end this. I'll be back tomorrrow ♥

what to say when nothing is okay ?

"State the obvious, I didn't get my perfect fantasy.." So, if it wasn't for music I seriously think I'd die. But I am glad I am getting back to blogging on the regular 'cause my life has been a big jumble of mess with nothing really making any sense... I mean I am relativity happy but then again I am not --if that makes any sense. Longdistancelover is now just longdistancebestfriend.. But that's cool, I guess. NBD. I'm still going to give him his birthday present 'cause that'll probably be the last thing I buy for him. BUT I am so excited about going to France! I cannot wait, it's like for once I am going to be completely happy for TWO1/2WEEKS. While I am there nobody can rain on my parade, that's a fact. I really need to be doing my homework but I have this huge problem with homework lately.. I just don't like doing it? That's not a good thing, lol.

Oh, I found a new guyyy ♥ he isn't really my type, he seems like a player, and I'm pretty sure nothing will ever develop out of me and him but he is exactly what I need right now. He knows how to put a smile on my face and he texts ME first. I don't have to worry about texting him. +if I don't text back, he's all concerned and crap and ask me if he offended me or anything :)

"In your life, you'll do things greater than dating a boy on the football team --I didn't know it at *16"

signals, emotions, songs.

So, my longdistancelover is f'in STUPID. I don't see things working out with me and him, at all.. It is not because I don't like him because I like him a lot but the thing is the feelings are not mutual or something of that sort. He has been ignoring me which is throwing me allll the way off but then when I do talk to him, he tells me that he still likes me and that he doesn't want to stop talking to me -- SO TF? I don't know what to do about that whole situation.. I feel like if I give up now, I'm going to regret it but then again there is not much for me to hold on to, atm. Music is therapy ♥ if it wasn't for me listening to music right now, I honestly think I would be having an anxiety attack. Crying + anger + anxiety = not good. "I don't wanna know it's over, so save your goodbye kiss. I don't wanna know it's over 'cause ignorance is bliss." -- that's how I feel right now. (I'm rambling, btw, 'cause I know this isn't making much sense) It is like I don't want to give up on him. I canNOT give up on him. I want him to be my soul mate. I want him to be that boy that I end up dating in college and we fall in love and get married and do not separate until death. He just doesn't seem like he wants the same thing, though. I mean yeah he tells me that he wants me in his life for, forever but does that mean he wants me as his friend? or what? I don't even know. Ah, hello tears.. I haven't missed you -___-

Anyways, my life is so different right now... I don't talk/hang out with any of the same people I use to.. It is like now it is just me & three people that hang out. But I'm cool with that, people move on and find better friends -- I've accepted that. The other day I woke up to a "good night beautiful, I hope you're sleeping well :*" text message and it made me smile so hard! Even if it wasn't from the person I wanted it to be from it was still one of the sweetest things that has been said to me in like 4months..

My thoughts are all jumbled right now, though, so I'm going to end this.
xoxo,
C'aria.

I cannot commit..

I've been saying that I'm going to commit myself back to this blog but for some reason I keep forgetting :/ but I definitely need to start blogging again because of the fact there has been so much built up emotions that I need to let out before I start having anxiety attacks or something. So, I'm single -- AGAIN. No surprise there, huh? But I do have a guy that I'm talking to and I seriously, 100% believe that he is my soulmate. I know it sounds corny BUT he's liked me since the 6th grade, I mean come on, who still remembers their 6th grade crush?! I know I definitely do not! But the only bad thing is that he lives 5FREAKINGhours away. It makes it so hard on me to maintain things with him because lately guys have been throwing themselves on me left and right but I have to just let them be 'cause I don't want to ruin things with me and the longdistanceguy. The only big problem I have with him is the fact that he doesn't say sweet things to me...? I am so used to guys texting me, "good morning beautiful" or "i've been thinking about you" -- things like that but with him it is nothing.. I'll be lucky to even get a good morning from him. He also doesn't call me like 'bay, babe, baby, sweetheart, etc..' but instead it is always C'aria. TF?! That makes me so mad 'cause it just seems like he doesn't want to be on that level with me that I feel like we are already on.. So, I guess in reality he really cannot commit to me. The thing is though I don't want him to, I do not want a boyfriend that lives far away from me and I do not want a boyfriend that cannot trust me -- oh yeah that's another thing he doesn't trust me... he thinks that I'm just saying these things to him and probably 4otherguys, also... but the only thing I want from him is to say that we're talking... So, that he can be mine without actually having to be mine.. if that makes sense. But I need to work on my DBQ 'cause it's kind of due today and I only have a sentence... So, buh-bye (:

xoxo,

C'aria.