I haven't been on here in awhile.

Nobody is here to read this which is something that I'm thankful for. I need this time to just vent and let out all of these built up emotions.

My life is slowly falling apart. I'm not exaggerating when I say this either. I have been complaining for a few weeks now because I do not have a job but it has really hit me that I do not have a job. If I do not find one soon then not only will I suffer but my family will as well. It will be on my shoulders not anybody else's because I quit my job. That was MY choice. And I have to live with it. I wish I could just go away for a few weeks, just sneak away and upon my return my life will be back to normal. It'd be amazing if it worked like that.

And what's worse is that I'm suffering through this all alone. It'd be much better if I had someone to help me through it but I don't. I'm so emotional right now and all I want to do is cry, cry, and cry some more.

I just hope it gets easier.

I see the man of my dreams..

I see the man of my dreams everytime I look at Dwight Montrail Duckworth. I see the man I've always wanted as child and I see the man I will always need as an adult. I see my boyfriend but not only that, I see my soulmate. I see the reason for my smiles and the hand to wipe my tears. I see the arms to hold me tight and the lips to kiss mine. I hear the anger in his voice but yet I know the aching in his heart... That is why these arguments are not phasing me as much as they should. I cry but not because I am unhappy and want things to end.. I cry because I just want you to understand; that the little petty things shouldn't matter to you and I because in the end our hearts will never divide. You are mine forever and I am also yours so baby please stop acting as if you're going to walk out that door.. I know with time things will be better, whether a few minutes or an hour like I said they will get better.. On our way home today, I stared at you for awhile and I sat there and hoped that I'll see your smile.. You have a beautiful smile, by the way, and that's the smile I don't want to ever fade.. You are the one that I see in my life for forever and a day, or forever and two days in your case... lol. I sometimes sit there and think, "man is this forreal or is this a dream?" because I still cannot wrap my finger around the fact that you are mine forever and that's that.. I hope that you see this somehow and when you do I hope it makes you smile..

I love you baby, with all my heart.. and nothing will ever tear us apart.

07.10.2011-forever+a day <3

It is 9:17 AM

and I am sitting in the library.. as usual. I left my house in a happy mood, not too happy to be going to school but overall I was happy.. Yet, as soon as I stepped foot onto Gautier High School's campus I instantly became sad. I do not know why. I have been sooo emotional lately and my poor boyfriend has had to suffer. But I am honestly ready for high school to end not because of school itself but in all actuality I believe that this environment is depressing me. The people here are eh, in general: messy. I cannot trust anyone. I do not try to befriend anyone. Maybe that is why I do not have any friends, lol. I witnessed someone going from one block calling someone else a bitch and declaring they hate them to the next block hugging all on them and acting as if they were the greatest of friends. I can admit I have been nice to people I am not friends with but not to the extent where they will confuse my kindness for friendship.

A side note to my statement of "my poor boyfriend has had to suffer".. Dwight, if you are reading this then I am 100%, truly sorry for the way I have been behaving lately. I know the past few days have been a roller coaster with me and I do not know why I am this way but I am going to try to control it. I do not want to risk you getting mad at me or us getting into an argument because of me being moody, that'll be stupid. So, I am sorry and I do hope that I am able to control it.. I love you with all of my heart baby :*

Okay, back to this, I just got finished designing my senior ad and hmmm.. I like it. It is quite plain but I am not that exciting of a person. I need to take a picture with my moustache bandanna though, it'll complete my ad :) My back is currently killing me. I could be using this time to fill out applications. But I am lazy. I have no motivation anymore--mainly because I am lazy--.. and I am going to end this blog, too.. Because.. I am lazy.

..being lazy should be a disease and there should be a cure for it .___.

xx

VII.X.XI.

My life is falling apart..

Did I use that title already? Oh well. It is crazy reflecting back over the years.. Crazy because I have honestly lost every aspect of my past.. Myself, friendships, "best friends", my old life.. Which is a good thing, right? Shed the old skin and start off new. That works for me. I am fine with that but now I am so vulnerable and so sensitive and so emotional and so much more.. I am not use to being the person without friends. The girl with zero text messages all day. The one who knows if she isn't hanging out with her boyfriend then she will be doing absolutely nothing.. I am not use to that..and frankly, it hurts like hell. I have been trying to stay strong and act like I do not care.. But I do. I care a lot. A lot more than I probably should.. I am not saying I am not happy with my life as it is now, I am just not use to it.. That is all. I love the fact that my boyfriend is not only just that but my best friend as well. I love that in all essence, he is the only person I need in my life. Yet, what if he can't always be there.. then what? Who am I left with? Nobody.. I am sure nobody can relate to this. At all. Just imagine a day where if your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't talk to you, you would get no texts, no mentions, nothing.. You can't huh? Because everyone has someone.. and I don't.

Like I said already, I do not mind the fact that I only have my boyfriend.. because in the long run he is always going to be here for me. But what do I do when I am lying in a dark room, crying my eyes out? Who do I turn to? Where is that friend that is suppose to comfort me? I don't have them. This blog is making absolutely no sense. I do apologize.

I am probably going to anger Dwight with this post.. but it is like he wants me all to himself & now he has me.. now what? I am emotional and we argue all the time. Not exactly what I am sure he was looking for.

"I don't want to be alone." That statement describes perfectly the whole drama of my night. I do not want to be alone. I am so afraid that at a young age, I am going to be forced to be alone. I do not want that. I fear that. Yet, I am constantly finding myself alone..

This blog is all over the place. I am not even sure if it all makes sense. I tried to stick to the point. This night has consisted of a lot of tears. A lot of music. Tons of quotes. And a tremendous amount of thinking.. I have thought about a lot. Mainly about my relationship. Like you all know, I want to be with my boyfriend for forever. Okay. I have stressed that enough.

.. I am going to just end this blog. Basically: I have nobody but my boyfriend. Right now I am feeling quite alone.

January 10, 2012.

I haven't blogged in awhile and for that I apologize. I am saying that like I have a lot of readers or something, haha. Anyways: a lot has happened well not really but there are a few things I have to blog about.

I realized that I miss someone way more than I thought I would. Like, I really hope that soon we can have our friendship again.. Because I miss the hell out of it. It is like having a family member that you absolutely cannot stand but without them you just do not feel complete.. That is kind of how it is with me and this person. I have said some horrid things about them and I am sure the favor was returned but when it comes down to it, we had some amazing memories together that will forever cherish.

Today makes six months, eeek. I know it's only half a year but geez it's that much closer to being a year ^___^ I have found the love of my life and I never want to let him go, like forreal. Whenever I think about the future, I automatically see him in it. It is like I know we are going to be together for forever. I know that life probably has two separate paths for us but I am willing to make sure that they still meet.. Because I do not want to spend my life without him. It is honestly crazy that I have found someone I want to be with at the age of 17. But when you know it's real, you just know it. There is no way to explain it but if you've been in this situation then you know what I am talking about.

I am suppose to be revising my essay for Mrs. Blackwell. Oh.

I don't feel like it so I will just turn it in tomorrow. Blah. I am such a horrible student.

Speaking of horrible: I made a freaking SIXTY on a quiz. I have never done that horrible.. Unless it was Calculus. I wanted to cry but I took that grade like a man, hehe.

I have not felt well for the past two days and it is kind of pissing me off. Like I can never just be fine. Something always has to be wrong with me.

I want to nap. So, I think I might just do that...

This blog was horrible. And I don't know why I keep putting spaces in-between everything, oh well. Byes :3

7.10.11-forever ♥