"D is for Pac-Man"

Today, I had a really amazing time in AP Government and we basically planned out our lives, hehe. I decided that Dwight and I were going to adopt three children: one from China, one from Africa, and one from America and their names are going to be, Xoe Cheyenne, Jace Montrail, and Skye-Leyah Taylor. EEEEK. I know I'm silly for thinking this far into the future but I mean I might as well, right?

I came home in the greatest of moods because I honestly had a great day, nothing happened that was too major and I was mostly smiling the whole day.. But that happiness wasn't shared when I got home. But oh well...

I decided I am going to start Christmas shopping this weekend, I cannot wait :P I hope everyone likes my presents that I buy them if they don't then oh well they are still going to pretend to like them and that's good enough for me, lol.

It's crazy how when you're alone, the thoughts that you try to forget began to surface. I am currently sitting on my bed, in a dark room. I am trying to maintain "happiness" by listening to music and I started this blog to get my mind off of things but for some reason I just cannot be happy. It is like I love to cry or something. If I'm not crying then something is not right.. At least that is how it is starting to feel....

My mind is a big jumble right now so bear with me.

I think the whole "I love you more" game is cute but in honesty I believe with all of my heart I love my boyfriend more than he loves me. Not saying that in a negative way but it is just in my eyes, obvious that I care for him more.. In everything we do. Maybe I just show my feelings more than he does but either way I feel like I'm more in this than he is. This is starting to sound horrible and that is not my intention. I just mean I honestly, 100% love him. There is no doubt in my head, heart, or anything on whether or not I love him. It is like I just know it. It is like those soulmates that you read about in books and you always hope to find him but you are never quite sure when you will and then you end up thinking you are going to be that one person lonely and without anyone until they are like 40.. But I am 17 and I feel like I've found my soulmate.

But right now he is in the other room. Without me. And it is like I hope that he'll just come in here and sit down with me and ask me if anything is wrong. But I know he won't. But that is just how he is, there is nothing wrong with it. I just hope he cares about me as much as he says he does. After the events that have happened this year, I don't want to lose anyone else...

I feel like if I told him right now that it was over, he wouldn't fight for me and honestly I am terrified of that. Not saying I would ever say that to him but my whole point is that I just hope in the end, he is willing to fight for me.

He jokingly referenced my ex-boyfriend as my "boy toy" and whether he knows it or not but it upset me. Not going to lie and make it seem as if it didn't affect me. I don't have feelings for any other guy, I am filled with disgust when guys try to talk to me or when my ex's try to walk with me or "flirt" with me. I don't want them. I don't want anyone else. And for him to just say that with the most nonchalant manner, hurt me. I know he didn't mean any harm by it.. But it hurt.

I am still sitting here, hoping...

Byes :3