It is like I am made up of all these pieces of fabric that are loosely stitched together & there is a piece of thread holding me together in the middle. And that piece of thread is him, Dwight, the love of my life, my one & only.. It is like I feel like everything is falling apart but yet there he is holding it all together. Whether he knows it or not.. There is this little voice in my head that hasn't left in the past two weeks and that voice.. oh, it says some nasty things.. it is like my thoughts literally scare me. My anxiety has gotten so bad that whenever I am alone, I feel as if I am going to break down at any moment. And with my mom being in the hospital, it is not helping me much. But there he is again, making me feel better. That is why I honestly believe that he is my sole reason for my happiness, my existence.. Everyone tells me that my mom is going to be okay but oh how I hate to see her like this.. That is really why I hate going to visit her, not because I am "bored" but because on the inside it kills me to see my mom lying in that hospital bed. Then, when I am with her alone it is too much for me to bear. Tonight as soon as I got to the hospital she told me to give her a hug and that she loved me so much only to proceed with "I don't know how much longer I am going to be here." .. I know she is just saying that but it scared the absolute shit out of me. What if something goes wrong with one of the surgeries? I cannot imagine my life without my mom right now. It is like she is more than a parent, she is my sister, my best friend. I tell her just about everything and everytime I need comfort.. there she is. This is getting all jumbled. My thoughts are everywhere........
I have been so emotional lately, it is crazy. Tonight my boyfriend thought I was mad at him over something so silly but I just wish he'd understand that right now I need him more than anything.. I wasn't upset at the fact that he wasn't going to be spending the night at the hospital with me, I was upset because I knew I would have to face this alone. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. And here I am: crying with my thoughts all over the place.
Geeeez. I love him with all of my heart though. He honestly makes everything better, like I said previously whether he knows it or not. He may not know how much of an impact he has on my life but maybe he'll stumble upon this post today or tomorrow or so.. and if you do, Dwight, just know that I am soooo thankful for you. You are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so happy to have you, especially now. The fact that you are as concerned for my mom makes me soooo happy because I love the fact that you love her and that she loves you. I wish you were here right now but I will have you allll weekend, right? I cannot wait :*
I am watching TV Land at the moment aaaand now I am thinking about my grandpa. Ohlawd. I am a wreck.
Whenever I wake up everything will be okay and once I see my baby I know I will be alright again.
Byes :3
**I know this blog was crazy. I apologize.
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