look back at it.

"he looks like a cool drink of water but he's candy-coated misery.." You never know who someone really is until you get past their exterior and listen to their thoughts. That is why I love this blogging thing, I have learned so much about people, two in particular, (e_rizzel & brittanybright011), that I honestly do not think I would have EVER had the opportunity to find out. It's kind of funny how people wear this "mask" that covers up any sort of "true emotions" and just by looking at them or even hanging out with them without truly getting to know them, you may get the wrong perception of them. But I'm the same way, I guess. I have this sort of mask on that hides all of my negative emotions. I never like for people to know when something is REALLY bothering me. Because if someone asks then I have to tell them what's wrong. It's like as soon as they ask the question, the words start spilling out of my mouth. So, it's just better for me to shut up, fake a smile, and go on throughout the day without anyone knowing if something is wrong. Looking back at the old me, made me realize that I have changed A LOT . Some things about my old self I am so glad to be rid of especially my grammar. But there are things I miss such as: the friends I once had, my blemish free face, & my long hair (I'm finally letting it grow back out so maybe one day it'll be long again *fingers crossed*). I am so happy that my baby is coming back today! Even if he will be leaving Wednesday, I just hope he remembers me. Fat boy is my everything. He kept a smile on my face and the clever things he would do, impressed me to the point I had to brag about it :D I am excited for the weekend of April 9th-April 11th. That is the weekend of T-bear's birthday -I won't be able to spend time with him, unfortunately- but I'll be close to my family and visiting the university of my dreams. Yes, I know Ole Miss isn't much and most people will puke at the idea of ever attending but I am dead set on going. I think partially because I will be a 45 minute drive from my family, never too far away, XD So that's a definite plus. HOTTY TODDY! Sorry, I had to do it. My old family would be so proud of me if they knew my grades and my plans for the future. Too bad they're out of my life. It's like they are dead or something because I never see them or talk to them. They don't exist anymore. No longer there for me to go to. Just like my grandpa. *warning: this may get a little personal and sad* Even though it's been almost 3 months since he has passed away, I still cannot fully grasp the reality of him being gone. I will always remember my mother saying, "It's like he's on vacation and one day he'll return.." I'm still waiting for his vacation to be over and for him to return. I know it may be silly of me to think that way but I am missing apart of me that I want back. I never knew how much he meant to me until he was gone. So, please whoever is reading this, do not hesitate to tell the people you love that you love them and cherish all of the moments you spend with your loved ones. I regret all of the times I yelled at him, all of the times I didn't want to hang out with him. He asked me soo many times to go to the movies with him and I never did because I was embarrassed to go the movies with my grandpa. I would do anything to be able to go to the movies with him, now. He also wanted me to go to Ole Miss that may be the actual reason for me going. He was so ready for me to go. He was even going to move up there with me. His only reason for staying down here, was for me, he didn't want to leave me alone with my mother. These lyrics always reminds me of him passing away, "I'll hold your tears as a ransom, in the palm of my hands, and tell you once again don't tell me that you're scared." The reason they remind of him passing away is because in the hospital, while he was doped up on morphine, there was this little, small tear that rolled out of his eye. That's all he could do. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. But he could let out the tiniest tear. I probably wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't staring at his face, not wanting him to go. His breathing starting getting shorter and we knew it was time for him to go but he held on. He kept fighting. My mom then told him not to worry about me because I am going to graduate high school and I am going to go to Ole Miss just like he wanted. That everyone will have a good Christmas and all of his grand children will be okay. A few minutes later, he was gone. Just like that. Grandpa, is your vacation going to be over anytime soon?
xoxo,
C'aria.