Friday, February 26

something is wrong.

"I've never been fucked in the game, I'm celibate..." I AM BI-POLAR. Or at least I believe I am. I can never just stay happy without getting pissed off at someone or something..seriously. It's becoming a problem that I am now aware of. If someone says one little thing that wouldn't normally make someone mad I have to bite my tongue just not to say something that may come off offensive or harsh. I honestly feel like tomorrow will be a challenge for me.. I am going to eat with pit-bull and hopefully things will be resolved. One step closer to getting this bad karma off of me.. -thank bob- but I just don't know how it is going to go, wish me luck! Now I'll stop talking about the future and just focus on TODAY. Oh gosh this may be out of my blogging style but I just felt like today was really testing my limits. I forced a smile on my face all throughout the day just to make good grades. All of this hard work will pay off, eventually, when I get accepted into Ole Miss ! Now on to why something is wrong. It is somewhat of me thinking I am bi-polar which I said earlier but it is more of me just being me. I stand out, in my opinion, in everything. You see me in a classroom full of people and it seems as if I just jut out because of how I look. We took class officers pictures and I honestly thought everyone looked gorgeous but whenever we got to see the picture, I looked scared and ugly. This may just all be because I have low self-esteem I'm not sure but either way I hate it. I had a test on Maslow's Pyramid (I'm sure some of y'all are familiar with this) and basically before knowledge you have to have self-esteem. But I have no self-esteem except for the occasional, "C'aria, you are pretty right now. Why don't you stay that way?" and I am somewhat knowledgeable.. So does that mean I actually have self-esteem that I just do not know about or is the pyramid just BS? I have all of the levels before: food, water, air + safety-shelter + love&belonging ; I'm just missing that one level, SELF-ESTEEM. Anyways, that's my thoughts for now... How do you feel about yourself?
xoxo,
C'aria.

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