Sunday, February 28

happy..?

so i'm on my way to the airport and this is the first time in awhile everyone in my family has actually gotten along. My uncle & mom chilling in the front. Gma giving candy to the asian. And the 'annoying' cousin beside me. But no one is arguing. We're happy because of Fat Boy. It's funny how one person/thing can unite a whole. This was just to say that, nothing more.
xoxo,
C'aria.
p.s. i think a friendship has grown after tonight, a relationship has healed, & all of the fighting has ceased <3

look back at it.

"he looks like a cool drink of water but he's candy-coated misery.." You never know who someone really is until you get past their exterior and listen to their thoughts. That is why I love this blogging thing, I have learned so much about people, two in particular, (e_rizzel & brittanybright011), that I honestly do not think I would have EVER had the opportunity to find out. It's kind of funny how people wear this "mask" that covers up any sort of "true emotions" and just by looking at them or even hanging out with them without truly getting to know them, you may get the wrong perception of them. But I'm the same way, I guess. I have this sort of mask on that hides all of my negative emotions. I never like for people to know when something is REALLY bothering me. Because if someone asks then I have to tell them what's wrong. It's like as soon as they ask the question, the words start spilling out of my mouth. So, it's just better for me to shut up, fake a smile, and go on throughout the day without anyone knowing if something is wrong. Looking back at the old me, made me realize that I have changed A LOT . Some things about my old self I am so glad to be rid of especially my grammar. But there are things I miss such as: the friends I once had, my blemish free face, & my long hair (I'm finally letting it grow back out so maybe one day it'll be long again *fingers crossed*). I am so happy that my baby is coming back today! Even if he will be leaving Wednesday, I just hope he remembers me. Fat boy is my everything. He kept a smile on my face and the clever things he would do, impressed me to the point I had to brag about it :D I am excited for the weekend of April 9th-April 11th. That is the weekend of T-bear's birthday -I won't be able to spend time with him, unfortunately- but I'll be close to my family and visiting the university of my dreams. Yes, I know Ole Miss isn't much and most people will puke at the idea of ever attending but I am dead set on going. I think partially because I will be a 45 minute drive from my family, never too far away, XD So that's a definite plus. HOTTY TODDY! Sorry, I had to do it. My old family would be so proud of me if they knew my grades and my plans for the future. Too bad they're out of my life. It's like they are dead or something because I never see them or talk to them. They don't exist anymore. No longer there for me to go to. Just like my grandpa. *warning: this may get a little personal and sad* Even though it's been almost 3 months since he has passed away, I still cannot fully grasp the reality of him being gone. I will always remember my mother saying, "It's like he's on vacation and one day he'll return.." I'm still waiting for his vacation to be over and for him to return. I know it may be silly of me to think that way but I am missing apart of me that I want back. I never knew how much he meant to me until he was gone. So, please whoever is reading this, do not hesitate to tell the people you love that you love them and cherish all of the moments you spend with your loved ones. I regret all of the times I yelled at him, all of the times I didn't want to hang out with him. He asked me soo many times to go to the movies with him and I never did because I was embarrassed to go the movies with my grandpa. I would do anything to be able to go to the movies with him, now. He also wanted me to go to Ole Miss that may be the actual reason for me going. He was so ready for me to go. He was even going to move up there with me. His only reason for staying down here, was for me, he didn't want to leave me alone with my mother. These lyrics always reminds me of him passing away, "I'll hold your tears as a ransom, in the palm of my hands, and tell you once again don't tell me that you're scared." The reason they remind of him passing away is because in the hospital, while he was doped up on morphine, there was this little, small tear that rolled out of his eye. That's all he could do. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. But he could let out the tiniest tear. I probably wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't staring at his face, not wanting him to go. His breathing starting getting shorter and we knew it was time for him to go but he held on. He kept fighting. My mom then told him not to worry about me because I am going to graduate high school and I am going to go to Ole Miss just like he wanted. That everyone will have a good Christmas and all of his grand children will be okay. A few minutes later, he was gone. Just like that. Grandpa, is your vacation going to be over anytime soon?
xoxo,
C'aria.

Saturday, February 27

Deep-fried snickers

"Story of my life searching for the right but it keeps avoiding me.." So today ended up being a hang out with best friend day instead of being awkward with pit-bull day. Which I honestly do not mind.. because it turned out to be a GREAT day ! It started off with just "chilling" then I drove 15mph with my hazard lights on just for the fun of it and we deep friend snickers and made a funnel cake :D

The beginning product

& voila! the end :)Now on to my actual ramble.. So, my mind is going blank maybe because it's 11:00 and I'm just now starting to blog. But I'll just start off by saying that I have regressed today.. unfortunately. I 'blew up' for no reason and I started an argument that shouldn't have been started.. but it wasn't entirely my fault. Little things just piss me off. And I'm definitely not apologizing for it because you shouldn't have said what you said. Anyways, while listening to Unfaithful by Rihanna it made me think about all of the BS people pull these days. Their justification for cheating, is beyond ridiculous. "Why'd you do it?!" "Baby, because I wasn't getting any from you..." I understand completely the need for physical things especially if you've been use to it but why not break up with the person you're with before you go and "get some from someone else?" And even if you do LOVE the person and that's your reason for staying, why is it that you cannot wait? Doesn't love wait? I honestly do not understand anyone's justification for cheating. Unless they were drugged or something of that sort and had no actual idea of what they were doing.. That could be understandable. I've never cheated on someone in the sense of me doing something physical with someone else while being in a relationship BUT I have emotionally cheated on someone.. So, I could be a hypocrite for this whole little section of my ramble but I've learned from my mistakes and I do not see the purpose of cheating on someone. AT ALL. I was looking through a blog earlier and I saw a little adopted girl and it made me start thinking about my future. When I get older I want to:

  • become a psychiatrist
  • adopt an Asian (preferably Thai)
  • have an established life with $$$
  • marry the love of my life (T-bear)
  • still be blogging

Now about the second bullet, the reason I want to adopt an Asian is because I honestly love Asian kids but I know, myself, I will never have one... That's 100% Asian. My grandmother is Thai and I think she ages great and she is absolutely adorable. I want my child to be like her. So, I do not see the harm in that. T-bear told me he was proud of me because I'm eating right.. And it made me think about the old C'aria who use to eat fig bars for lunch. No breakfast. No dinner. Just fig bars and water. I seriously was developing an eating disorder. I'm glad things changed around for me. I can just imaging where I'd be now.. Extremely anorexic and depressed. BLAH. But I'm not that way so I need to just be happy for that. This blog was kind of uninteresting and for the people who do read my blog I do apologize. When you get older, what are some things you want to be doing? Comment with feedback.
xoxo,
C'aria.

Friday, February 26

something is wrong.

"I've never been fucked in the game, I'm celibate..." I AM BI-POLAR. Or at least I believe I am. I can never just stay happy without getting pissed off at someone or something..seriously. It's becoming a problem that I am now aware of. If someone says one little thing that wouldn't normally make someone mad I have to bite my tongue just not to say something that may come off offensive or harsh. I honestly feel like tomorrow will be a challenge for me.. I am going to eat with pit-bull and hopefully things will be resolved. One step closer to getting this bad karma off of me.. -thank bob- but I just don't know how it is going to go, wish me luck! Now I'll stop talking about the future and just focus on TODAY. Oh gosh this may be out of my blogging style but I just felt like today was really testing my limits. I forced a smile on my face all throughout the day just to make good grades. All of this hard work will pay off, eventually, when I get accepted into Ole Miss ! Now on to why something is wrong. It is somewhat of me thinking I am bi-polar which I said earlier but it is more of me just being me. I stand out, in my opinion, in everything. You see me in a classroom full of people and it seems as if I just jut out because of how I look. We took class officers pictures and I honestly thought everyone looked gorgeous but whenever we got to see the picture, I looked scared and ugly. This may just all be because I have low self-esteem I'm not sure but either way I hate it. I had a test on Maslow's Pyramid (I'm sure some of y'all are familiar with this) and basically before knowledge you have to have self-esteem. But I have no self-esteem except for the occasional, "C'aria, you are pretty right now. Why don't you stay that way?" and I am somewhat knowledgeable.. So does that mean I actually have self-esteem that I just do not know about or is the pyramid just BS? I have all of the levels before: food, water, air + safety-shelter + love&belonging ; I'm just missing that one level, SELF-ESTEEM. Anyways, that's my thoughts for now... How do you feel about yourself?
xoxo,
C'aria.

Thursday, February 25

dude, get real. you're crazy.

"i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell..." so a blog before i go to sleep may be my new thing... two blogs a day? i dunno ; i'm not getting any feedback so it may just be pointless. But right now my head is swarming with all these different thoughts and all I can really say is "dude you're crazy." Tonight has made me laugh and also piss me off especially when I was constantly lied to. Why can't people just be honest? Is that too much to ask for? & I understand lying to cover up any sort of weakness or sadness but lying in a mean way is frankly messed up. But I don't care because all that matters is my best friend & boyfriend. Not any psycho trick. Anyways, tomorrow will be the start of the new me. I'm apologizing to people I may have hurt starting with pit bull not to be friends with them but to rid myself of crazy people which I think comes from me being mean to others. I believe in karma & I believe that what goes around, comes around. So watch out what you do because it may be done upon you.
xoxo,
Caria.

l'amour toujours et etre heureuse...

"we're all sensitive people with so much to give..." Okay, so what is the big deal about sex? Why is it such a sensitive topic for some people to talk about but yet some people are so open about their relations and even the things they catch from them... (ew) Is sex one of those things that immature people enjoy talking about in class and creeps like watching on the internet? I do not understand why when someone says they aren't a virgin anymore, it seems like it is the end of the world. I mean if you are being safe about the situation and you aren't walking around pregnant (no offense intended) and you are having relations with someone you truly love, then what is the problem? I see none. The thing I do not like about girls that are having sex (intercourse or oral) is that they have multiple partners and actually thinks that the guys like them for "them" and not what they are giving them. Another thing, aside from this sex topic, why are girls so OBSESSIVE? I mean seriously give the guy a break and don't follow him like a dog, IT DOES GET ANNOYING. I'm fully aware that I'm a girl and this blog could possibly offend some people but I do not understand why girls don't give guys their much needed space (and vice-versa) because if you don't then they are going to end up leaving.. 'real talk'. Last night I got a call from someone who I really did not want to talk to and I'm glad we did not end up having a conversation because I really want them out of my life... I've realized that some people are really unnecessarily ghetto. It is bad enough that you are acting beyond ignorant but do you have to be loud and say things that could possibly hurt someone's feelings? (LIKE ME) If I was still the sensitive girl I once was, I probably would have ended up crying in class BUT now I'm just like idgaf and no matter what I was going to keep a smile on my face :) I am starting to honestly hate my class to the point where I will throw away my 100 to have another teacher/class and that is saying A LOT for me because I want nothing but good grades but I'm to the point where I am just so fed up with everything/everyone involving my class. But on to a normal day at my school, while standing in line I heard possibly one of the funniest conversations of my day involving two boys.
-"aye man did you fuck so&so?"
-"yeah man, i got that."
-"oh do you want her number man?"
-"nah, i don't need it, i already got what i wanted."
LMAO. That seriously put a smile on my face until I had to go back to the class I really do dread. On to the topic of "dread" my lovely boyfriend said something about dreading his hair.. WTF? I mean I love you regardless of how you look or what you may do but I loved the person I met that constantly had hair cuts.. I guess the college life changes a person, huh? I guess a lot of things changes a person, like one little argument, can completely change someone... Or a new boyfriend. Or a new hairstyle. So many things can change someone you thought you knew so well... I wonder how well I know my readers.. Probably not too well, but feel free to leave feedback! I want to know your thoughts while reading mine! (:
xoxo,
C'aria.

Wednesday, February 24

I want to scream...

"i've said a lot but you can sum it up with amazing..." i know i shouldn't be blogging, again, but i'm addicted ! & this is via my phone so it may come out funky. But i'm soo bothered right now, like want to cry bothered. but the thing about this blogging is that even though it's for me to ramble/vent/rant i still have to censor out certain things --like what is REALLY bothering me right now. Anyways, i'll try to explain so this won't be a pointless post: have you ever felt betrayed? even though you have no reason to feel that way...? well that's how i feel right now. & because i feel this way, i want to unleash all of these hurtful things that will do nothing at all but upset another person... But it's like eating me alive right now, to just yell at them the truth... Instead I'll do homework. Sorry readers for this post, it made me feel better.
xoxo,
Caria.

Am I wrong?

"Look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me laugh.." While walking through the grocery store I actually noticed all of the different people and how everyone was different in some sort of way, by their clothing, the way they walked, the phone they owned, etc.. I longed for their story, to know who they really were. I tried not to label them but I caught myself doing it anyways, I wonder when I get older what stereotype will I fall under? Will I wear business attire so everyone will think I'm a business woman or will I dress casual and everyone thinks I make minimum wage? Whatever the case may be, I need to make something of myself now. I'm tired of people labeling me as 'weird' or 'wanna be white girl' I mean what exactly is that? I am trying to act like a color?! Does that make sense to YOU?! But aside from that today at school was just GREAT (sarcasm). I finally decided to move away from the seat behind pit-bull which puts me right next to a girl who will not shut up and asks WAYYY too many questions.. I kind of regret losing them as a friend, now, only because my 'friendship' with my teacher is non-existent now... Which frankly sucks. Oh well I'll say like I've always did, "I'll just move on." But I've recently caught a head cold which has resulted in a lot of coughing and a lost of an appetite ---which is killing me, I LOVE TO EAT! I have a horrible time transitioning between thoughts.. I use contractions, a lot, but I do not want to start a whole new paragraph since I'm suppose to be just rambling.. Which I really do, anything that pops in my head I type... But while taking a shower I actually had time to think (I wish I could blog in the shower, that'd be great!) but I do not know if I am wrong to seek approval from someone who will be in my life until one of us dies. I mean, I know they are going to have to get use to me but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to approve of me being apart of their family and such.. -I'm sure you can guess what I'm talking about if not oh well, I'm not disclosing anything that may get back to someone and potentially damage a relationship...- But because of them not approving of me, I couldn't even do something I REALLY wanted to do this weekend because I knew how awkward it'll be to be around them. So, I know people always say that you shouldn't want approval and you should do whatever you want but I really do wish they approved of me. I had so many things to blog about earlier today I just needed access to the computer or my phone ! Now that I can actually blog only the useless things are popping into my head.. blah. Anyways, I've decided that I want new friends. Like not the friends that are just school friends where I talk to them only when we're at school and only hang out when it's something school related. I want a REAL friend. Someone I can hang out with after school, take 24782670287 pictures with, text all day without any blah conversations! I guess I have to wait for that friend to come along.. Maybe it'll be my college roomate but that's so long away! I'll just be patient because that's who I am, a venter patiently waiting for someone to just hear me out.
xoxo,
C'aria.
p.s. when I get older I wonder will I look back at this blog and laugh?

Tuesday, February 23

I'm different.

"Silent screams you're just so beautiful in blue...." Today I realized I am absolutely, positively different than most teenagers. I am not weird different, as some people would like to believe, I'm just different. I sit by myself and do absolutely nothing most of the time, all by my lonesome, staring off into space daydreaming about bob-knows-what. And yes, there are a lot of teenagers that do that in school especially those with no friends but I find comfort in being alone.. I do not want to be in the crowd constantly as if I HAVE to fit in to be happy... I am completely comfortable walking alone to class, sitting by myself in the corner, finishing my tests and just sitting there. I think I'm going to start bringing a book to class so maybe I wouldn't be bored while being 'comfortable' either way I'm still happy so that's all that matters. Today, I thought that maybe my cellular device had been turned off because I got 0 text messages and 0 calls until my best friend called then after that I took a nap and woke up with 0 text messages and 0 calls.. Maybe that is telling me I am separating myself from my friends.. or that I just have none to start off with. BUT EITHER WAY I'M STILL HAPPY. I have a best friend and a boyfriend, whom I am both grateful to still have in my life, so I have no complaints on this side. I tried semi-apologizing to pit-bull BUT it was an epic fail and we're still not friends.. but who cares?! I surely don't, I'm just ready to end this semester so I can move on with my life. It's kind of funny that I'm in such a good mood about having no real friends and about losing those that were once close to me.. Maybe it is just a cover-up, maybe deep down I am really hurt but I'm tired of showing emotions, I'm tired of crying over those that are not losing a wink of sleep over me. The old C'aria would be completely depressed, listening to screamo, sitting in the middle of the road, crying her eyes out; the new C'aria, the girl I've become, insteads just rants and rambles in her blog. I think I like the new me but then again bottling up my true emotions last year just resulted into the old me.. soo... I don't know if I'm progressing or regressing? Ah, I am truly rambling now but that's why my blog is titled "Ramblings of a Venter" because that's all I really do.. ramble (I apologize to my readers). So after reading this, you tell me, am I different?
xoxo,
Caria.

Update Revised (:

"baby, i love you, i never want to let you go..." those words are apart of my favorite song and also my boyfriend's ringtone. It may be a cheesy song but I ultimately think it's describing my feelings for the love of my life. Today makes a year and I wish more than anything that I could see him... Him being away at college is sometimes hard for me, no, always hard for me but I'll never let on that it bothers me. I cannot help who I fell in love with and now I just have to deal because I want to be with him till I die ; and yes I'm very much aware of the fact that I'm young but I fully believe in soulmates and he is exactly that for me- my soulmate (aww) but aside from that I'm so ready to have a job ! I've been waiting to turn 16 so I could work at B&J but I have no clue when she actually will need someone so it may be months before I get my first job -_- I'm just ready to make my own $$ but about today-it was great! even if my trig class was beyond boring. I feel as if I'm an outsider peering in at everyone having fun just because of one person... But at the end of the year, I don't have to worry about it/em anymore! So there is always a bright side to everything :) Besides third block I watched the funniest movie in French about a girl falling in love with a guy who gets her pregnant and then leaves for five years and she doesn't find out she is pregnant until after he leaves... I cannot really explain the humour in that, but it was hilarious! Ah but time to close out so I can talk to my boo!
xoxo,Caria.

Sunday, February 21

what am i?

"My best friend gave me the best advice. He said each day is a gift and not a given right..."
that beginning always makes me think about life ; I mean what exactly is 'life' ? I understand what it is, don't get me wrong, but isn't life what you make of it? So, why is it that I am constantly unhappy with my life and the people in it? Does that mean I am purposely making my life a shit-hole? Or am I still pursuing that true happiness that only comes when I'm older and out of my mom's house? Whatever the case may be, I just overall want a better life for myself. I strive for nothing but excellence in school so that maybe it'll pay off in the end with lots of $$$ but I think I take it too far, now, because of my want for good grades I'm no longer friends with 'pit bull' who was once someone I could really call a best friend. But the sad part is I'm not even sad about the loss, instead I just shut the door and moved on. Which I do with quite a few people and I am starting to feel as if I'm cold-hearted or maybe I am just soo hurt I've put up this wall that barricades my heart and nobody is tearing it down so no tears are being shed but either way I still have a smile on my face even though I lost someone close to me. So what does that make me....?
xoxo,
Caria

hello readers.

Okay, I'm going to give this blogging thing a chance, again. I'll start off with a nice introduction of myself, I'm C'ariaAushla'Juan and I'm 16 years young. I am in the 10th grade and I plan to attend Ole Miss once I graduate high school. Blah blah blah okay. Sounds like so far I'm a normal teenager, right? Well as of now I kind of am except for the partying and drinking that most "normal" teenagers do. But this time, last year I was a complete mess. I was depressed to the point I had no real social life except for hanging out with two friends (pig&catdog) ; I had extreme anxiety attacks and I saw no point in living [yes, i was crazy] but at the time I was also caught up on this guy who persistently told me I was too young&too much of a hassle to date... Maybe that was a cause of some of my depression. Well me and this guy are about to hit a year, tomorrow, so I guess he changed his mind (:
But this was just my intro for my blog, I'll update daily with little short things expressing my mood or whatnot. Thanks to whoever does read it & if you like it, spread it to your friends or whatever, I don't mind (: I just want my thoughts heard.
xoxo,
Caria.
p.s. i'm disclosing any names of people for their privacy, sorry!