Wednesday, June 30
i miss you from me.
It feels nice when people randomly text me hello and I don't have to text them or if I leave my phone for a few hours, when I check it I have a few messages saying hey or something of that sort. Tomorrow, I have my very first job interview and at first I was getting all nervous about it then I was just like pshhh I'm 16 years old, I'm not going to act as if I'm an adult so I'm just going to be myself because in the end if they actually do hire me that's what I'm going to be every day at the job -- myself. I miss my old blogging style, I went back and read what I use to type about it and they were true rambles: the whole purpose of my blog. I don't know what's wrong with my gum(s) ? Either way it freaking HURTS. I'm hungry, atm.. I don't know what I'm going to eat though because I cannot cook... Lol, the girl on my favorite show likes to watch static instead of cartoons that would really creep me out. I seriously hate whenever a new Twilight movie comes out in theatre because that's all I see on FB and that's all I hear about.. I DO NOT like it so don't talk to me about it, k? I was actually debating on going to see it tonight though only because of boredom #fail gosh my life is so boring that I would actually go see a movie I despise the thought of... I'm ready to finish my cake batter ice cream, I have to hide it in the freezer and eat it whenever everyone goes to sleep :P I think tonight I'm going to finish it off sooo tomorrow I'll be making a trip to the grocery store. I realized that I like dressing "different" I don't know how to explain it. I like to be comfy and I hate dressing up. Today, I was going to wear shorts, comfy tee, pull over, & boots and when I looked at myself in the mirror I was like I really like the way I look but of course my mom had to say I looked country - 2nd time saying that in a week. But I've missed almost 30 minutes of my show so I'm going to stop now.. I like rambling though so I'm going to start again and I just came to the conclusion that I don't care if other people comment it or if I have any acknowledgement of people reading it like someone once said it's like "my online diary".. sweet dreams little readers.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day twelve.
I've forgiven everyone to the best of my ability that has caused me pain or that I use to think I hate.. So, there is no point in writing this letter and bringing up old emotions. Yeah -- there are a lot of people that I still do not like but my reasons are stupid and there's no point in even getting into that. In a few years I will have completely forgotten about them and even if they caused me pain or they may have done shit to me to jeopardize my happiness, it's cool 'cause I hope in the end that gave them some sort of fulfillment because Karma is coming to get them..
xoxo,
C'aria.
Tuesday, June 29
Twitter.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day eleven.
This time last year, you were bugging the crap out of me and wouldn't leave me alone.. You didn't even seem sick. I knew you were though, I mean everyone knew.. But it was just that you were sick -- not that you were going to die. I took our time together for granted, I didn't know that you wouldn't see me turn 16, graduate high school, go off to college, etc.. Death was just one of those things I never could grasp and I still can't.. I still do not fully understand the fact that you're "gone".. I have your ashes in my bedroom so I know that physically you couldn't still be alive but I still think you're watching over me and that if I do something wrong, you'll chew me out like you always would. I hated the fact that you weren't okay with my religious views and you always told me I was going to Hell and that I needed to put my birth certificate in a bible. But now that you're gone, I wish you were still here to say stuff like that to me.. You should know though that grandma considers you her husband now, eh isn't that funny? I know if you were here, you'll be laughing your butt off about that and then me and you would talk about her. She has your car, she is even talking about getting your name tattooed on her... She told me that everyone in our family is selfish because they won't help her with the car and the problems that come with it -- But remember when you promised me that car for my 16th birthday? She took that from me. Our family isn't the same, my mom is always yelling about something but then again she starts crying randomly if someone starts talking about you. So, you're definitely missed.. It hasn't even been a year since you've passed but it feels like it's been so much longer, I miss you so much it's crazy.. You were like my dad and now I'm missing apart of myself. Even if to everyone else you were just my grandpa so I shouldn't be that upset about you passing, it felt like I was crying with my mom and uncle grieving the lost of our dad -- That's just HOW much you meant to me. I still love you Paw Paw, Grandpa, Ice Man...
C'aria.
Monday, June 28
Day ten.
I miss talking to both of y'all and I wish things would be different between us.. At one point of time, I was best friends with both of you and now I don't talk to either of you guys. What happened? I miss our conversations, I miss our friendship.. Maybe things will change.. Who knows?
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day nine*
Even though I've had a new obsession for Justin Bieber, you've always been someone that I've wanted to meet since -- FOREVER. Your acting skills are incredible and the fact that you're sexy is a definite plus. I cannot wait to see your face again even though I hate that the movie is broken into two parts.. :/ You are someone that if I could- I would marry, that's just how much I love you. That's all I have to say now..
xoxo,
C'aria.
Saturday, June 26
PC4PC?
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day eight.
I'm not sure if I'm suppose to say your name or not so I'll just stick to the initials.. We met on this website where we dressed up dolls and we became like bff then we both created gmails and we use to send each other fairy-tale stories.. I remember when I first created a Myspace it was because of you, I think, and I never thought it'll blow up like it did but I've shared SOO many secrets with you and we use to be able to talk for EVERRRR. I wish things never changed between us and that we still AIM'd each other all the time and randomly texted each other -- I can still remember that day you called me, that was different but great. But now we're suppose to be pen pals, maybe that'll improve our friendship. I still hope one day we'll meet in person ! You are absolutely the best online friend I could possibly ask for even if we don't talk anymore, you have this special little spot reserved in my heart and I know I can always count on you to listen whenever something is wrong with me. I love you darling and I miss you so much!
xoxo,
C'aria.
Friday, June 25
EEEK.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day seven*
It's still weird whenever I see you and it's been forever&a day since we've dated. Our families still want us to be together even though it would be impossible for us to work... and sadly, I'm the only one that realizes that -- you still think it would. I don't understand why you get mad whenever I tell you that I still have a boyfriend and that me and you aren't going to get back together, it just isn't going to work. POINT BLANK. I do hope that one day things aren't so awkward between us and that we will be able to hang out as just two friends...
xoxo,
C'aria.
Wednesday, June 23
Day six.
So.. I guess I should start off with my name, C'ariaAushla'Juan but I prefer to be called C'aria. From an outside perspective I guess you can say I'm pretty (at least that's what all my friends say) and that I'm nice for the most part. I am 16 years young but I have been through a shitload of a lot that I cannot even begin to talk about. I have a tendency to curse a lot, which I guess is a bad habit but I just cannot stop. I plan to attend Ole Miss in which I will be majoring in psychology and chemistry -- at least I plan on doing that. I have a love for Volkswagons and I hope that I do get one, soon. I love piercings & tattoos and when I turn 18 I plan on getting my: tongue, nose, hips, 2nd holes, & possibly eyebrow pierced. It may sound like a lot but I don't plan on keeping the eyebrow piercing or the nose. I also want to get two or three more tattoos. I make straight A's and I have no talent, whatsoever, so I stick to the books. I tend to be judged by a lot of people for reasons that I'm not sure of and I don't really have that many friends. I have a boyfriend that I have been dating for a year and four months and five girls that I call my best friend. That's really all I have to say about myself..
xoxo,
C'aria.
*that was different, didn't really know how to go about writing this one.
Tuesday, June 22
job hunting.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day five.
I hope that you come true, more than anything. I want to succeed in life. I don't want to have to stick to minimum wage and live paycheck to paycheck. When my daughter turns 16, I want to be able to buy (or at least try to buy) her the car of dreams and throw her a big party. When my son gets to that age where he has to have really nice shoes and clothes and $$ for his girlfriend, I want to be able to provide that. I want to be able to buy five volkswagons and live in a nice 2 story house with a loft. I want to be able to decorate my house like they do on TV and put my mom in a really nice house. So, dreams -- don't let me down.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Monday, June 21
Day four*
It has been 13 years since our father passed away and yet I barely know any of you. If someone asked me, I couldn't even tell them your names or even how old you are. I know I am the oldest and that we all live on the Gulf Coast except for one... And I think you live in Texas. My mom thinks that I should get to know all of you, which I think would be great before I graduate high school. I just have a fear of hanging out with one of you, I heard you needed my DNA? Creepy. But that is all I really have to say..
xoxo,
C'aria.
Saturday, June 19
Can't you just get over it?
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day three.
Day 3 — Your parents
Dear Parents,
I address this to parents but in actuality I have a parent(mom) and a man that is suppose to be a father figure. Well for starters, after 16 years of you having practice of being a parental figure, you still have a lot of things to learn. You are still someone that still just has the label but there is not much meaning behind that. I mean yeah you buy me things that I am grateful for and you put food in my stomach but you can still put a man or drinking before me. I hate days when you go out and get drunk because I know you're going to end up drinking&driving and it makes me cry myself to sleep, which you probably don't know because on those nights you never come home. But I have two more years and then you'll realize just how much I mean to you. And then there is you, someone that came into my life whenever another one left. You are someone I considered a parent, someone that I love. But I've been replaced and it feels me with immense pain. You have a family of your own now and it's cute I guess. I see all of the family portraits. All of the family gatherings. But I'm not there, I'm never invited. You were suppose to always be in my life, no matter what. You came into my life so why are you not in it now? Am I still getting that car for graduation? Or are you saving that for your own children now? Because now you have children that are blood related to you? Last time I remembered, you did consider me one of yours. The only time I hear from you is when you want to make sure I'm still doing well in school. Are you proud of me? I remember once I texted you randomly telling you that I love you and how much I miss you. I never got a reply. You have no clue how much that hurt me. And when my grandpa got sick, I told you more than once to come visit him because you know how much you meant to him. But you were too busy I guess. I gave you months and then when he got in the hospital and I told you not too much time was left, you still weren't there. But you did send flowers, thank you. Wow.. this was hard to type.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Friday, June 18
summer work and boyfriends.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Day two*
xoxo,
C'aria ♥
Wednesday, June 16
Day one.
xoxo,
C'aria.
p.s. I'm still not sure who this is actually for...
I've slacked off.. again.
I don't want to start a whole new post for this because I'm saving my other post for my letter.. But last night my mom went and got a tattoo, which I absolutely love, it has lyrics from Train "When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me...." and birds, it's located on her chest(?) by her collar bone. And it's for my grandpa so it has meaning.. My uncle is going back and getting the same thing tattooed on him tonight, I wish I had the guts to get all of that tattooed on me then I'll get it, too. But I MAY be getting my infinity sign tonight, yay.. I just don't know where I want it anymore. I thought I still had 2 years to decide that. But I'm done for now little readers.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Tuesday, June 8
i'm going to do this & so should you...
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
*I'll be starting tomorrow.
:D or D: ?
xoxo,
C'aria.
Sunday, June 6
i wanna scream.
xoxo,
C'aria.
BLB!
xoxo,
C'aria.
Thursday, June 3
the baby is home!
xoxo,
C'aria.
Wednesday, June 2
reminds me.. of me.
"She's only sixteen years old. She's not perfect, never has been, never will be. She's emotional and she doesn't think about things before she says them. She'll say some things that will make you want to strangle her. She'll probably hurt you and make more mistakes than you can imagine. She doesn't mean to, but she probably will. However, she'll apologize. She's still learning about everything, even if she thinks she already knows it. She's been hurt. Sometimes she feels so alone she can't stand it. Other times she's so happy she can't believe it. She's just trying to figure out this twisted time in her life when everything gets real complicated, real fast. And everything seems to spin out of control before she ever begins to understand what's going
on. But she loves, laughs, and does her best. And that's all you can ever ask of her."
&
"I'm the girl who prefers one rose instead of a dozen. I'm the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers. I'm the girl who wouldn't make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy. I'm the girl who would enjoy having a movie night rahter than going to some fancy restaurant. I'm the girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than going out and getting drunk. I'm the girl who won't make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead. I'm the girl who will love you more than anyone could possibly dream of. I'm the girl who would give the world the world to see you smile. I'm the girl who cries herself to sleep at night thinking of you, when I know I'm the last thing on your mind. I'm the girl who feels alone, even in a crowded room. Yeah, I'm that girl."
I really do like those quotes, they describe me.. perfectly. Which is something that I've had trouble doing lately.. I don't know myself.. If that makes sense.
xoxo,
C'aria.
Tuesday, June 1
English.
xoxo,
C'aria.
quotes.
xoxo,
C'aria.
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